Linda's Short Story

Dear all:

Next week will be 6 months since my sister passed away at just 53 years old.  Many of you received the nightly updates of my personal journey through it all.  We found her bucket list which is extensive and one of the things she didn't do was publish a short story.  My hopes is that the following can be shared, printed and discussed.  It is the very real account of the shock and the emotions.   I finally opened probate last week for the home she owns in Washington state.  I have been able to settle everything else without an attorney, dealing with an invalid will, the question of whether her divorce was ever final, closing a 3 story home in under a week and storing, donating and wrapping up every bill and household item.  I have been living Linda every day of the last six months.  I know it will come to an end and all affairs settled.  I don't really know how I feel about it.  Here are the updates starting a few days after I arrived.  This is a VERY long story.  It may take you a couple of days.  You will laugh, cry, dwell and want to meet Linda.  At the end is the compilation of Eulogies in order as spoken.  None of this has been altered from the original writings.

Day 1

Family and Friends-

The following is a recap of medical events as we know them --- we want to ground everyone in the facts to date and then will continue to provide updates each day.

Linda was experiencing breathing problems and not feeling well for a few weeks and it culminated on Thanksgiving when it was evident her breathing was strained and she was fatigued. Encouraged by Sara’s family to get a chest x-ray, Linda did obtain one a few days later and it was diagnosed as pneumonia and was placed on antibiotics.  Within a few days, it was clear she was not improving and on Tuesday, Dec 4^th she called an ambulance to take her from her home to the hospital.  There she was admitted to the hospital and by Thursday was in the ICU. 

During the hospital stay a CT scan was performed which revealed a mass in her right under arm lymph nodes and a mass in her mammary gland between her breasts.

On Thursday afternoon, Robbie arrived. On Friday I arrived around 7:00P and had the chance to talk to Linda.  She had a mask on that was giving her oxygen. Her breathing was very labored and any time she attempted to talk or write, her stats would drop.  She was very clear at that time that of the multiple medical issues they were trying to address for her.  Most importantly, the doctors shared with her a tumor marker test which indicated that breast cancer was highly likely.  Linda and I had a chance to have some serious conversations about what was facing her—in addition, we were able to transfer other critical life information so that she could confidently relinquish control and allow herself to focus on her recovery 100%.  I left her around 9:00P on Friday night.

On Sat the 8^th, Robbie and I arrived at 8:00A to find they had intubated her about an hour before we arrived.  Linda had asked them to as she was quite fatigued and it was becoming more and more difficult to breath.  They fully sedated her, placed the tube down her throat, put her on a ventilator, and placed her on an air supply of 100% oxygen.  Sat was the first day I spoke to the first of several doctors about her condition and the journey ahead of her.

Let me pause for a moment and say that I am incredibly impressed with the staff and facilities she is being cared for in.  The doctors are kind, informed, concerned and 100% focused on her.  They do not appear too busy and each and every one has sat down and had a conversation with us and answered every question we had.  The nurses are constantly at her side and I thank God that the right people are in those roles—again, they are 100% focused on her and I never have felt they did not respond promptly or show her the proper care.

On Sat, I first met with Dr. Clinton the pulmonologist.  He explained that although there was a high likelihood of cancer, the most urgent matter was to get her breathing on her own and attempt to identify the type of pneumonia she might have--- viral, fungal or bacterial.  There was also the possibility of Eosinophilic pneumonia which is a rare type.  There are multiple theories since this original discussion on what is affecting the lungs but during this discussion, Dr. Clinton felt that perhaps the cancer was advanced and had infiltrated the lungs.  They would not be able to confirm the cancer as she was not stable enough for a biopsy.  He did indicate they would be performing a bronchoscopy--- this is where they take tissue from the lung and do a variety of tests to rule out items versus confirm items.  Dr. Clinton made it clear at this time, Linda was in grave condition and critical.

I asked Dr. Clinton to also speak to Sara’s (Robbie’s girlfriend) sister who is an internist at Mt. Sinai (NYC) to ensure I was hearing everything correctly and that we were asking the right questions.  Her sister then spoke to me, Robbie and Sara and we all agreed we had heard the same information.  She indicated she felt they were taking the right steps in her care.

Around 3:00P Sat they did perform the bronchoscopy.  The procedure did not go as well as expected as she became agitated during the procedure which took focus away from her breathing so they got some tissue, not as much as they would like and ended the procedure.

Linda struggled most of the day and night with low blood pressure.  As a result they had to pump up her fluids and it was a constant mix of medication to balance everything.

At the end of the day, Robbie, Sara and I were able to meet with the Hospitalist (aka internist or “Attending”).  Her role is to bring together all the folks consulting on Linda’s care and make sure we see the whole picture.  It basically recapped the same information we have and further validated the criticality of Linda’s condition.

Sara returned to NY.

On Sunday morning Robbie and I arrived and Linda did look significantly different.  She appeared bloated from the fluids they pumped her up with but said that was normal and they would be managing it.  They did an Xray of her chest (which they perform on her in her bed) and it was better than the day before so they reduced the O2 concentration to 70%.  This was an encouraging sign.

Laura arrived from LA mid-morning and Cousin Christy and her husband Keith joined us to hold vigil at her bedside.  Sunday was a relatively good day but it was still constant monitoring to ensure her statistics held study.  On Sunday night, we met with the oncologist who again confirmed that her lungs and breathing were the most important issue and that he would not recommend taking any action to biopsy or treat the cancer until the breathing is under control.

Her close friend Bob flew back into town on Sunday evening and was able to visit with her.

Laura and I arrived Monday morning and it was a difficult morning--- Linda appeared at times to becoming out of sedation and so the pulmonologist added a 3^rd drug to help with the sedation.  They also put Linda on an aggressive steroids treatment to address the lung inflammation that might be caused by eosinophilic pneumonia. We both feel confident that she knew we were there—I took the opportunity to explain that she was in good hands, that there was a large circle of prayer warriors praying for her, that we were involved every step of the way and that she should just let her body heal.  I am not sure if she heard me but I hope she did.

We left for a few hours to attend to other things on Linda’s behalf and returned late afternoon.  When we arrived, Linda had spiked a fever.  She had had a fever of 99 the day prior but it had now spiked to 103.5.  They had her on a cooling blanket and by the time we left on Monday it was at 99. 

Because of the fever spike, they called in another consultant, an infectious disease doctor.  He ordered some tests and basically shared that with as many antibiotics and steroids as she was on, it was unusual to spike this fever.  He changed up the antibiotics and decided to treat a wider net of potential issues.  We did ask if the cancer could cause a fever and they said yes, but again cannot know in this situation exactly what the root cause is.

We have left her in good hands for the night.  The next steps are to wait patiently for her lungs to breathe better, first by lowering the O2 saturation, then to weaning off the ventilator, then to extubation. Despite other problems facing her, breathing better and coming out of sedation are the most critical next steps right now.

To be candid, it has been a difficult emotional time for those that are here and we can only imagine what it feels like to not be here and hear about all of this from afar.  I would like each and every one of you to know that we are diligent with our questions and feel we have a good handle on her care and her care plan.  We meet with just about every doctor involved her care every day and we ensure they are all saying the same thing and are all working together.  We thank every doctor and every nurse for their care of Linda.

On Sunday, we placed pictures of Linda and family/friends in the room to help humanize her to the staff.  I wanted them to know she is a daughter, a mother, a sister, a veteran, a cousin, an aunt, a friend and so much more.  Many of your faces are on the wall watching over her every day.

Many of you asked if we have located Erin.  We have located her, she is aware and Robbie is taking the lead on communications with her.  We ask for privacy in this matter.

Laura, Robbie or I will update you each day with a recap of what we know.  For the immediate family, we will be updating with calls and more frequent updates.

I end this update with the utmost gratitude for the love, kindness and generosity you all have shown Linda as well as Laura, Robbie and myself.  We are overwhelmed with the outreach of love and support and it gives us the strength to get through each day.  We articulate to Linda every day the number of folks praying for her.  If you would like to send a message to Linda, you may respond to any email at any time and we will be sure to read your email to Linda.

Love to all,

Maree

xoxo

Day 2

Today was a day of many ups and downs and ever changing information.  Our day began our 9:00A and from the time we arrived till about noon—there were tests, new doctors and some news…none of it conclusive and to be frank, nothing encouraging.

The first doctor to update us was the pulmonologist--- he indicated the lungs were worse than yesterday but it wasn’t conclusive what was causing the issue.  At first he thought they showed additional fluid but then upon further reviewed said he didn’t know what the additional “stuff” was in her lungs.  Coupling that with information from the Infectious Disease (ID) doctor who said her blood oxygen level was 59 (normal is 80-100), he said “this is not good news”.  The ID doctor then ordered a myriad of tests to detect much more rare causes—will take several more days to get those results.

We still don’t have all the results from the bronchoscopy on Sat and still await those.  All tests seem to take 3-4 days to return.

Some of the other tests performed today were to check her kidneys, her liver and for blood clots in her legs.  All were okay. (One item to note, most of the care workers talk to Linda as they are performing the tests as if she is awake to explain to her what they are doing).

Overall this was a very “fitful” day for Linda.  What that means is that even under sedation, she is not completely under—we are unclear what causes her fitfulness—if it is pain or discomfort  or dreaming or just wanting to be conscious.  Regardless, any time we see her moving her head or hands, we would hold her hand and stroke her hair and she seemed to relax and be calmer.  I like to think that she knows these comforts as she likes the same things to be done to her when she is awake.  We also read her emails from anyone who sent one. She also still had a temperature which lingered around 101.9 most of the day.

During the day today at one point, we had to start wearing masks as she had a low positive for influenza.  By late afternoon they were able to confirm she was not positive and the masks came off—it was for our protection, not hers and Laura/Cal doesn’t think she looks good in yellow 

At another time today, a whole team of folks arrived outside her door--- more of the care team to meet and talk with us—it included a physical therapist, a case worker, the pharmacists and a chaplain.  The chaplain was very kind and let us know she was there for Linda and for us and asked if there was anything she could do—I asked if she would say a prayer over Linda and so she did and asked God to heal her.  We stroked her hair and held her hand as the prayer was said. 

Near around 4:00 this afternoon, they finally increased the sedative which made her 100% under and appeared to make her much more calm.  In addition, they changed her bed, removed her circulation stockings (for a bit) and turned her on her side.  They care for her meticulously everyday including brushing her teeth, washing her hair, cleaning her eyes and a variety of other little touches.  Once we knew she was comfortable, we left for the day.  We did ask to be called if she spiked a fever over night.

Finally we arrived home to have the difficult conversations.  When we met with the doctor on the first day he was crystal clear with us that our role was to execute her wishes, not ours.  That is difficult to execute when you haven’t played out every scenario.  I think we are at as much peace as we can be at today—tomorrow,  I am certain things will change again.  This is our new normal.

We again express our gratefulness to the hospital staff—today it was Shannon, Bev (the night nurse), Dr. Robinson, Dr. Symington, Dr. Merda, Carol the Chaplain, Kate and Sandra the case workers and a few others who introduced themselves. They never tire of our unending, repetitive questions.  They are candid, caring and empathetic--- you can’t ask for a better combination.

Thank you for your texts, calls, posts, emails and acknowledgements. Every contact makes a difference.  The night ended with Robbie grilling some turkey burgers, put them on salad and now we are getting slightly socially lubricated.  Don't judge us.  :-)

We love you all very much

Xoxo

Maree, Rob and Laura

Day 3

Dear all:

 Cal in the house tonight. 

 It's been another long day, but really just status quo.  We arrived early to find Linda extremely active and agitated.  Evidently she is quite the stubborn, uncooperative and trying to act like she knows what is best. Big surprise there, right?

There are many numbers we look at every day.  Far too complicated to explain but incredibly important to how we assess her progress.  She is critical, struggling and as we are reminded daily by her incredible team of doctors - a very sick girl.  If you and I use what's called a "peep" - which is pressure on the lungs to perform - at a level "3" for just standing, talking and walking - She is being forced a Peep of 18.  This is an incredible strain on the lungs.  The machine is doing a lot of work.  They say it's as if you are taking a breath and simply can't breathe out.  It's frustrating and she's showing it.  When told by the nurses (who by the way talk to her in their lilting voices and tell her everything they are doing) that they were going to suction out the lungs, she violently shook her head from side to side.  We smiled and rejoiced.  She could hear us and comprehend.  She squeezed our hands, looked at us very specifically and darn it if she didn't try to put her lips together for a kiss. 

 "I love you Linda.  You are being sedated, this is not forever.  This is not normal and we have your back.  We are here every day for you and we are making sure you have the best of everything.  By the way Linda, I'm pretty upset you don't have any Awesome Water in the house.  What the heck?  It's cold outside right now and I'm wearing a different one of your scarves every day.  I love them, thanks.  I may keep them by the way.  Ok, baby - we are heading out and we'll be back so you can rest."  We played with her hair and she drifted off.

 So, Rob, Maree and I tried a different way home and ate lunch at the Firebird Woodfire Grill.  We talked about relationships.  We decided we needed to shop.  We did.  Then we had Starbucks, drove home, each of us took a different room - crawled into bed and checked out for awhile.  Robbie made turkey patty's on salad and Maree made her usual eggs and cheese and cheese and cheese. 

 Here is how I will end this update - be smart and kind to yourself and your family.  Linda was brilliant and had an app on her phone called "Splash ID".  Get it.  Today.  Tomorrow is not promised and we have had quite the battle in locating medical records, medications, doctors, online information.  Create a folder for the "just in case" stuff we all know will never happen.  Linda was prepared.  She has always been prepared and in the back of her mind waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Whether it be illness, car accident or crazy situation - make it easy on your caregivers.

 1.  Write down every single online account whether it be credit card, account, subscription or email (even the secret recipe site for all chocolate!)

2.  Write down the log in ID, password, account number and security questions

3.  Make your passwords impossible to figure out - Thanks Linda, you were really good at this but we are also smart!

4.  Tell someone where it all is

5.  Hide it and store it either in an app or on a flash drive

6.  Trust someone

 Ok, time for bed.  The morning holds a very big CT Scan for Linda.  We are hoping it reveals many answers allowing the doctors to attack and treat this evasive illness.  Sara is here from New York to be with Robbie and Maree and I are still being the crazy aunts from California - which based on the recurring comments from various sources here in Virginia - we are Tricia Yearwood and Gretchen Wilson.  The late night gal signing us in for ICU took our drivers licenses and said "I knew you weren't from this state".  We just looked at her.  She says, "I see you walk in every day and you don't dress like Virginia".  Yeah, we are who we think we are.  We think we are Linda's sisters representing more sisters and a mother who waits for every tidbit of info.  Cousins and an Aunt who pace, and call each other.  Co-workers who are trying to respect our privacy while balancing their outreach of love and support.  Everyone else pretending that every day is normal and this is just some stoopid (yes with two o's) and all will be ok shortly.  Our loved ones that carry us thru the day with texts, calls and love notes.  Linda is an amazing woman - and you all have stepped us to help us figure it all out.  God Bless, Love to all, Keep the Faith and Danny Neiheisel. . . .who for those of you that know this story. . . . has pitted Linda and I against each other since high school.  He would tell me I was his favorite Mitchell sister, then tell Linda she was his favorite sister.  His Facebook profile picture is him hugging Linda at our high school reunion. He's darling.  So, tonight I FB'd him and hers how it goes. . .

 important day danny - your picture is up and we told the nurses you are family. they think you are good looking. i think they are on drugs

oh by the way - your least favorite sister - Laura

That Meg is pretty cute. What class were you in?

Oh...and I always have thought Nurses are very smart people.

You r my favorite jackass.

You made me laugh out loud for real. Keep me posted and God bless you. I have a big hug for you next time I see you (at the risk of ruining our perfect relationship!)

Heehaw! XOXO

 love to all and good night. 

Day 4

Dear all:

It's difficult to update a single person after the devastating news in Connecticut yesterday.  It is too much to watch and too awful for words or emotions.   So, we pray for those families.  Linda would be crocheting blankets, donating money and goods to the effort and wishing she could take food to the state troopers.  That's Linda.

 Cousin Deb, Maree and I woke up to shotgun shots.  Evidently, it's hunting season at light o'dark every morning right out the backyard in  what they call "the woods".  We are calling BS on the whole business.  What could they possibly be shooting - yes I digress to the "coon" hunting of Deb.  Deb explained the shots as they continue.  Maree and I are still horrified.

Last night we received an amazing gift from Rob's co-workers in New York from Zabara.  Evidently, it's the New York way to go with comfort food and we started the day with that.  Bagels, Lox, mustard, rye bread, pastrami, amaretto cookies, cinnamon rugala, their own blend of coffee, a coffee scoop and cream cheese.  Ah, where to start.  We split a bagel (remember, we are getting stress fat back here) with a minimal amount of cream cheese and the lox was amazing.  DD calls any kind of salmon "dirt".  The dirt was fabulous.

 Headed to the hospital and Linda didn't look great but the numbers did.  She is 50% oxygen - a huge improvement - with 95% absorption.  Blood gases not so great, blood sugar WAY down from the initial 500 to 145 so she's off insulin.  She has a red rash on her neck and right arm so an ultra sound was done revealing a blood clot in the right shoulder.  It does not present any danger but they upped the blood thinners to assist.  Her feet are being propped up so she doesn't run the risk of "drop foot" and we took in tennis shoes for her to have on when the puffiness goes down.  Deb headed home on her 6 hour drive and Maree and I went home for yet another round of Zabara - I had the pastrami on rye with swiss.  Thank you New York Knerds.

 This is the part where I say, don't judge us. We needed some "retail therapy" and had to get a little feeling of normal after all this.  Hello Nordstrom Rack.  I find it shocking that we had the ability to actually find a reason we needed another pair of earrings and a jacket.  Really?  Yes.  Highlight of that visit was Maree being declined at the checkout by AMEX because she didn't call them and tell them she was travelling.  So, she booked her travel on that card, has bought all her meals on that card and is now calling them.  Oooh, somebody's getting in trouble - I'm swinging a bat and singing that as I'm skipping alongside her. 

I've now rummaged thru Linda's food - trust me, she stocks really good stuff.  I made homemade donuts for breakfast yesterday and tonight I made a compote of apples, butternut squash and almonds in Riesling (thank you Deb) wine reduction sauce and caramelized a salmon filet.  No, I did not make any kind of sausage gravy to go with.  I am however now making homemade chocolate chip cookies, Zabara coffee and watching Maree pack to go home for a week tomorrow.

She is conflicted.  It is a horrible waiting game and so many what if's hanging around out there.  I couldn't get here in time before they intubated her so I didn't get to talk to her and let her know I was here.  Maree did, but now has to leave.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning.  I just want to be with her.  I stealing her yarn and starting another project.  I will also have my first and very overdue meltdown.  It will be alone as I want it and involve tears and perhaps some stomping of my feet.  This sucks.  A lot.  We are not the first family to go thru this.  Maree and I are constantly amazed at how our family and friends have all mobilized with this event.  Too early for thank you’s - but you all should hear it every day.  You truly give us daily strength to attack it head on and brace for the next day. 

10 days from Christmas and we literally can't remember what day of the week it is and ask each other all the time.  "What day is it?"  or "What's the date?".  bizarre as this whole stoopid (yes with two o's) is.  Kiss whoever is next to you, hug the person who least expects it and surprise someone with a phone call.  That's your homework.  Do it.

 CAL/Laura and Maree

Day 5

Dear all:

Today is status quo - as crappy as that is.  No change.  Not better, not worse.  Still the same numbers.  Still the same machines.  Still the same aggravation.

Some interesting observations.  It's not Christmas, it's Ground Hogs day.  We keep hoping that when we walk into see her, we are going to get a big "Psyche" out of her.  NO luck.  Alexis called while I was on the morning visit and shared that she and Devin had a "moment".  Trust me parents - your kids love each other.  They love you.  They worry when their parents are hurting and they want to kiss your tears and hurt away - I cried.

Meg headed off to her conference, Debbie hung out all day and night.  Mark Pond called from Maryland and will stop by tomorrow.  So many people have emailed.  Thank you.  I'm not surprised that when I post on FB - who wants updates - it's exactly who I thought would jump in.  You are real friends.

Rob and Sara went home to reclaim their life for a couple days and then come back.  Half way there they remember they forgot the EZ pass for the highway in Linda's car - DOH!  Maree and Deb over-nighted thru the post office to them - FEDEX said no by the way!!!!  My employer came thru with fabulous support and I'm here with no pressure.  Nephew Adam called to check on everything and offered us support in any way we may need - financial, emotional etc.  When did our kids become adults?  I cried, again.

We all decided breakfast was in order for lunch or whatever meal we should have been eating.  Evidently Virginia serves everything with gravy - sausage gravy - homemade, lots of it.  We all basically licked our plates.  We explained, we aren't from around here.  Debbie regaled us with stories of her "coon" dog, Robbie learning to kill/shoot a raccoon and then us learning what they do with it.  I'm still in therapy.

Side bar. . . Maree is now telling Debbie how she weighed herself on Linda's scale when she got her and then recently.  Evidently stress doesn't make us eat less.  I'm afraid to step on it so I went walking for about 45 minutes today after going to Target to buy $5 sweat pants.    Robbie ran out of clean clothes so we put him in Linda's red robe and washed all his clothes.  He was ok with it.  Then someone called Rob to ask how he was.  He said - OK - then they said - are you lonely?  He said no, I'm with the "two aunts".  What the heck. You can only say "the two aunts" if we are wearing obnoxious hats, gloves and are acting eccentric.  Linda used to accuse Maree of being my Doppelganger - we both had to look up that word.  The argument has ended with amused laughter of calling each other the "doppelganger".  Ah Linda. . . . . thanks for the material. 

Deb, Maree and I went back to the hospital and nothing has changed - again.  We hung out about an hour or so and came home.  Linda's amazing home.  I was hunting for some more crochet patterns and found the most horrific pattern book.  I keep asking myself why in the world would she have these?  Deb said, she probably bought them as collector items.  We can only hope.

Good night to all of you and I end with this.  The usual.  Bitterness and anger is so wasteful.  Linda didn't come to the last high school reunion because we were in an argument.  She was upset about her weight.  I got mad at her and basically said - own it.  Just be you.  It's who we all love and count on.  ''

After being in Linda's home for the last week, I've really got to know her.  It's the artwork, the dishes, the spices she cooks with and the crazy number of books she reads.  Ingrain yourself with someone.  It's important.  I got an unexpected email today from someone in the past the "heard" about everything.  We had ended things not so well, but then again, not hateful.  It was very appreciated the small note of acknowledgement.  Do it. 

Back to Linda - we'll be there in the morning.  Maree flys home at 5:15 o'dark Sunday morning.  We hope to have good news.  Love, hug, kiss, embrace someone today.  Make it count.

Day 6

Welcome Week 3:

 It's been since Tuesday the 4th of December since Linda called ambulance to take her from her home to the hospital.  We are all afraid to really admit how sick we might be, but thankfully she gave in and made it happen.  She called me that she was having difficulty breathing and standing up for even 15 seconds.  I remember thinking, Ok. .  she'll just go to the ER and get some medicine and it will all be fine.  Was I wrong.

Today awakened rainy, foggy, cold and miserable weather.  That would soon be my mood and it hasn't really got any better.  I got to the hospital (after explaining to Starbucks that "extra hot" isn't luke warm and parking in BFE parking spot.)  Evidently folks are busy enjoying their weekends because the place is empty Saturday and Sunday and now packed.  Even the little coffee bar doesn't open on the weekends.  Ok, so I say hello to all the lobby folks and valet guys that recognize me.  I trot into the ICU lobby and see my new friend - another red head – who’s dad has been here since Wednesday, heart issues.  She says hello as she's on the phone.  I get to Linda and am initially happy to see what's going on.  I do the required photo of the main screen and text it to Maree, Robbie and Betsy for their analysis, assessment and comfort.  Then it all gets wacky.

Linda is on 45-46% oxygen overnight but has increasing issues with fluid.  Her morning x-rays come back with the upper right lung a little worse, the rest unchanged.  White blood cell count is still stupid high and I don't bother to remember this number.  Some hematologist comes in to tell me about the cancer they know is there (now this is the first I'm hearing the rest of this information) and how when he met with Linda initially, she said she had pain under her right arm (this is where they know there are many growths and the tumor markers confirm it).  She then tells him she feels something in her right breast.  If Maree, Rob and I talked about her knowledge of this, I don't remember.  He then tells me what they all say.  The cancer which is evident is low on the list, last priority and not being addressed.  Period.  Until. . . . well now, that's the elephant in the room.

 Linda has much more fluid and is really coughing a lot.  Every bell in the room is going but no one is coming.  So I wait a polite 1.2 seconds and walk out (might have looked like jogging) and grab the respiratory guy.  Ok, now the game is on.  Everything is tanking.  So they pump her with 100% oxygen, keep the peeps at 15, suction her, not working - hand bag it, working.  Bring her to a level of consciousness to hear me.  It's working but remember, she's on the legal limit of versed and prophyphol so all I'm doing is being, literally - the voice in her head.  I tell her to relax.  It's important that she calms down.  Don't let her body over react, trust me.  I do the usual play with her hair, hold her hand, re-adjust her left leg that she keeps throwing over the side of the bed.  She's not having any part of this sh**.  She's pissed.  But she listens to me.

 Maree is texting - Rob is texting - Mom is texting - what's the update, what's going on, is the doc there yet, how does she look?  She looks better.  They give her lasix to get rid of fluids and it works.  They explain what I call the "eye blisters" to me.  I don't feel better, but I understand.  The hospitalist comes (he's the General MD, not one of her team of specialists) and basically says they will slowly take her back to lower oxygen and probably replacer the arterial line in her neck at some point because of the blood clot that remains.  Geez.  Can this girl get a break? PLEASE?!?!?!?

 It is now almost noon and finally the doctor we've been waiting for is here.  He is VERY late.  I call Maree, call won't go thru - too many interferences.  He starts giving me the update and she randomly calls and I put her on speaker phone.  His report is the exact same as every day.  We consider her very ill.  Critically stable.  Don't focus on the progress or decline of oxygen/peeps - it's a balancing act. 

So I need to explain the dynamics now of our new family.  Linda is now pretty long term for ICU.  There has been much turnover in patients but we've gone thru a few rounds of the same nurses and specialty staff.  It does irritate me that the housekeeper chick- Sharon - constantly introduces herself to me like she's never met me.  I've met her about 10 times.  I finally asked the nurse if perhaps she had "issues".  That goes into how they are all critiqued on their job performance on a scale of 1-10 and nursing/healthcare has become a business instead of a passion and hands on experience they all signed on for.  I know how many kids they all have, how many siblings, their own family dynamics and I have my favorites and some I truly dislike.  I miss Maree.  I miss Robbie because he's been gone so much of my life.  I miss my kids terribly.  DD is now SKYPEing me and as usual sending me jackassery texts all day long. He just makes me smile.

Linda gets stabilized and I'm worn out.  I started out in a great mood - rested, optimistic and now I'm tired.  I go home, eat my left over steak and fall asleep on the couch.  I snore.  I'm sure I probably drooled too but I'm not providing evidence.  I wake up and decide my nails are a mess, I need a fill.  I get in the car and go on the hunt.  Oh dear.  In Cali - they are on every corner and you can count on the service, response and price.  I will not go into all the details but I was there 1.5 hours and at some point thought "I must be on Candid Camera" and they are waiting to see how long I will put up with this process and complete ridiculousness.  I didn't get a fill - I don't know what I got.  It involved about 10 times in the UV baker, lot's of hand filing, then she painted them.  I NEVER get my nails painted.  I had to try very hard to not laugh out loud when she ran behind me and scribbled my hair, pulled it at the roots, did pressure point on my nostrils, ears, neck.  Rubbed my hands and then smacked them like I was a very naughty girl.  She really felt she was making me happy and doing a great job.  So you know what I did??? I tipped her big.  Said a big thank you.  Paid in cash and went to see Linda.  My nail lady and friend Leann I'm sure thinks I've dropped off the face of the earth.  Imagine when she sees me and I tell her, that whatever this lady did. . . . . you have to soak my nails, wrap each one in foil and then peel off this process.  What the hell.  I'm still laughing.

 I get in the car and start driving to Linda.  I call Devin because I haven't spoken to him, only texted once and I unexpectedly breakdown.  I let him know that we all expect our parents to be ill and go before us.  We don't expect to be in this position of an ill sibling.  "Devin - you only have Alexis.  I got here too late to just simply tell Linda I love her.  Please - you only have Alexis - tell her, now. It's important."  Devin was very serious because I have now come undone.  No matter who it is you love fiercely - you put their face to your current situation or conversation.   He is upset but manages to acknowledge that he gets it.  Big time gets it.  Code for - call your sister !

 I get to Linda and she is better, up to 56% oxygen and looking good.  I tell her "hello hot stuff" and she rolls her shoulders.  I play with her hair - talk to the nurse, meet with a few folks and decide - I'm done for the night.  I stroke her hair, kiss her, turn out the lights and - just leave.  Across the street I am inspired to shop for Maree who will be here for Christmas.  Not anything big because that would upset her, just a little somethin' somethin'.  (yes I know she's reading this).   I wrap it up amongst DD texting me with questions because I gave him a Christmas day shopping list for the Caldarone event at Rick and Gina's.  I have no presents for my nephews, they are getting money.  I already gave my kids early gifts and DD's kids I purchased early.  Everyone else - whoever I'm missing - I can't remember. 

So this is not the usual update.  Folks. this is a crazy event that we are hoping slaps you in the face and brings it all to the surface.  Maree's project for Linda is a daily journal.  It's now my project.  It's hard.  I think I'll just print out my emails and it put it in there.   On top of it, Linda's boss packed up her stuff and called me and asked me if I could come pick it all up.  He also asked for her parking pass and employee ID.  Really?  What do you think I'm going to do with them?  Drive there?  I mailed them to him.  Why?  I should have made them sweat it out.  They've already put her on unpaid leave.  We've had to ask them to keep up her life insurance and I'm thinking of going postal. So I ate another chocolate chip cookie and awesome water - and possibly more awesome water.

Maree just called and interrupted this email.  I completely fell apart.  I explain to her that Linda gets SO MAD AT ME!!! She says I hiccup and I get 500 comments on Facebook.  What she doesn't know is that this hiccup is for her.  I have 500 folks that are praying, commenting, supporting, loving, re-prioritizing their lives.  When real people get real problems, there is a weird sort of validation that happens.  Regardless of family dynamics, regardless of the season, relationship to you or history - you can all relate, connect and have empathy.  It's called life.  Big life.  Stoopid life.

Ok, I'm signing off for tonight.  My daughter called - wonderful.  My other daughter - Grasshopper - texted me - wonderful.  My guy is at the doc waiting to skype me.  My sister just gave me permission to take a slight break tomorrow and not be at the hospital all day.  I'm watching a cheesy Christmas show and loving it.  I need to get my hair done because the nail lady told me I look like a movie star and all I could think of was Gloria Swanson in her old bad hair saying "I'm ready for my close up Mr.DeMille".  As always you have homework…….. forgive. Yourself, someone else, a debt, a mis-spoken word, a social awkwardness, rudeness, naiveté, stoopidness.  Your assignment tomorrow will be more complicated.  Yeah, I know I'm a real bit**.  Embrace it.

 CAL

Day 7

Today is just a weird day.  I'm doing regular stuff like replacing light bulbs in the kitchen and dining room.  Sprinkling cleanser in the toilet and stocking up on toilet paper in the bathrooms.  I'm stealing more of Linda's yarn and crocheting.  It's quiet - I don't want any noise.  I realized today that the river is flowing right to left so I'm guessing I'm on the east side of it. W who knew?

Linda had an ok night but x-rays show more damage to the lungs.  All blood tests have come back and they still have not identified the original source of infection or virus.  She is on steroids and insulin.  She is on the usual cocktail of  drugs.  In general, Linda is not happy and status quo is not good either.

I was only at the hospital this morning for a couple of hours and then headed out to her employer to pick up her stuff - which by the way I requested. First - you know I'm still looking for the elusive VAN keys and secondly there is some insurance information we were hoping might be laying around.   It was quite a haul to get there but certainly beautiful country.  Would have been nice if perhaps the boss had told me I would need change for a toll road.  It was .75 and I can't believe I found 3 quarters in my make-up bag.  I actually forgot - and then remembered - hey, it's not my car - I could blow thru the east side and take my chances!  Ok, that would not be a nice thing to do, right?  So I get there - do you think he might have told me the only parking is a block away in a big garage?  I get up to the 5th floor and I was told to ask for Calvin.  I don't know who Calvin is because I've been dealing with Nick.  Calvin comes sauntering out and looks at me, then smiles and says - "are you Linda?".  . . . still counting before I answer. . . No. . . ., I'm her sister Laura.  "Oh, this is her stuff" and points to 2 paper ream boxes packed and taped.  I say "Oh, well I'm parked down the street in the garage, I was hoping I could get some help”. comma, implied jackass!  He flamboyantly smiled and said - sorry, in a sing song voice and walked off. . . . counting some more. . . contemplating causing a scene. . .sighing.  I pick up both boxes, went down the elevator into the bank and hand the lady a bunch of ones and tell her I need quarters.  I am quite sure I look like lunatic with and exasperated face and - two paper boxes. 

I made it home, got on the wrong freeway - had to pay the toll booth, both wrong ways and the boxes had coffee cups, pencils, some postcards from Robs friend Andre and technical magazines.  I strongly dislike the company and people she works with.

I came home and paid a bunch of her bills that needed to be paid, straightened up, brought in the trash cans and went back to the hospital. 

I only stayed an hour or so.  She needed to go a little deeper in sedation because she's just uncomfortable.  I don't talk to her, I just put my hand on her forehead when she frowns and starts moving.  She instantly relaxes.  Then I start to go sit down and she's wanting that hand again so I have to tell the nurse - she needs a little more.  Please.  I can't stay her all night, I'm too overwhelmed with love for her. 

Normally I spill my guts.  I can't tonight.  I'm ok.  Everyone is checking in and really, truly I'm fine.  I love Linda and all of our complicated relationship that it's given me time to reflect.  For those that have known us since grade school and on, you know what I'm talking about.  We are just different.  She is so freaking smart!!!!  Do all of you know she knows the Russian language?  When she was in the Air Force, she worked out of Chicksands base in England decoding Russian spy planes.  She had top secret clearance with the Pentagon.  How does that work?  She will tell you the most uncomfortable personal detail, but wouldn't spill about her country.  That's an AMERICAN! 

In reviewing her bills and making sure nothing goes unpaid (heaven forbid TIVO gets cut off), she loves veterans.  She loves babies.  She loves any kind of charity that starts with the word "ANGEL".   It's very funny.  Ok, so you know I'm getting to the homework part of things.  This is for the parents out there. 

You know our job never stops.  (Kids, get over it, you'll be here one day)  I can honestly say that now that my kids are older (26/24) it's the time I've waited for.  They get to know me as a person - not just mom.  The risk however is that they now feel your pain and feel it deeply.  You're more than the disciplinarian.  You actually have a personal relationship.  So. .. . .  Devin will hate this part and Alexis will love it.  Devin is a typical guy and I wouldn't want it any other way.  When he's done lifting his partial knuckles up off the ground, he remembers he has a mother and makes up for all lost time and spoils me rotten with updates, love, wisdom, new ideas, beliefs and happiness.  Alexis and I talk at a minimum of 3 times daily - this trip is killing her because of the time difference.  It's a balancing act.  I'm happy because they don’t hate me, they actually enjoy talking to me and I don't ignore their calls.  I ignore everything else when they call.  I'd take a bullet for them and they'd do the same.  Homework time. .  . . . think about your kids (in some cases, this may be a friends kid, niece, nephew) and own your role in their life.  Never hesitate to hold them accountable.  Let them know their word is their bond.  A handshake and promise still count and matter.  A written thank you note is becoming a lost art - make them do it.  Call a relative on their birthday - especially a really old relative! 

My kids love their Aunt Maree.  Alexis was describing her to someone and said "she's my mom, but prickly".  I thought Maree would be mad.  She isn't.  She loves it.  She tells everybody that line.  That's a woman who knows her role, embraces it and lives it.  Your homework. . . . be someone's' prickly.  Hold them accountable.  Be the voice in their head of who they are making proud.  Makes themselves proud. 

 Love to all.  Kisses, hugs and hope. 

Day 8

Dear all:

Since last night's update, I've added several folks and accessed Linda's Facebook page to gather some of her friends I may be unaware of.

A quick recap for everyone. . . . Almost 3 weeks ago, Linda was diagnosed with pneumonia.  She went home and went to bed, however started really feeling bad.  By Tuesday the 4th - she knew something was amiss.  She called an ambulance, was admitted with a severe case of pneumonia, keeping me in the loop - however, it got to a point where things were not going according to plan and her breathing was becoming very labored.  She went on a mask, then to ICU with no improvement and then by Saturday morning was intubated (ventilation tube down her throat) and in a heavily sedated state.  During this process, late stage cancer was discovered in her under arm lymph nodes and right breast. 

We have not been able to communicate with Linda since the Friday night before when Maree and Robbie were there. I arrived Sunday.

We have infiltrated every aspect of Linda's' life and those of you with daily updates since then know the entire process and every day how this has played out.  We've had horrible conversations, what if good/bad scenarios and listen daily to the onslaught of her meds, treatment, possible diagnosis and what we are left with.  Right now the only thing the doctors are focusing on is her lungs.  She is on 70% oxygen (this varies days to day) with a pressure of 15 peeps - you and I use 3 - and keeping her in a sedated, non anxious state.  You should all be relatively caught up with the previous information missing so many details it would be overwhelming to you.

Yesterday was a very bad day, this morning looked better as they've replace the propofol and versed with a different sedative.  They have to wake her everyday to make sure she responds to commands.  You must know, she has absolutely no idea how long it's been.  For her, it's the first she's waking up and she's upset.  Their goal, and ours, is not to upset her.  She needs to rest to heal the lungs which have continued to fill with fluid and be stressed in an unhealthy manner.

Some of you will know this, but it's how I need to start the daily "update".  I actually woke up to the alarm this morning.  I usually am up on my own around 4:00 or 4:30 AM.  I got ready, worked on some more of her issues regarding paying bills and hacking into her life.  I've now been here alone for 5 days and although not lonely - I'm alone.  I'm consumed with Linda.  I head to the car and see that I've missed a call at about 9:30AM.  It's the hospital number.  I call the hospital and ask for the ICU nurse - several times.  I'm disconnected, it rings and rings and f'ing rings.  I'm getting more than a little concerned. 

I park and walk briskly (it's ridiculous cold and windy outside) thru to ICU.  I see the chaplain, then I see Linda's room..  There is a male nurse or orderly spinning an empty hospital bed with a ventilator system on it.  Linda's drapes are pulled open and the glass wall is now swung open as a door - I didn't know they did that.  Linda is not there and her bed is empty.  Instantly I am frantic.  I've every bad thought and knew I might be prepared for anything but now it's bad.  I'm running to the nurses' station asking very loudly - "where's Linda?  WHERE'S LINDA??"  A young intern nurse comes running over to me and pulls me into a new room yelling - "she's here, she's here - we had to move her!".  I came completely undone.  Not a little. A lot.  Her regular nurse came running and said they'd tried calling me to tell me but didn't recognize my number when I called them back.  I am sobbing so very very badly.  I can't recover and for the next hour or so I can't form a complete sentence.  This has completely drained me for the day.  They can't stop apologizing.  Seriously folks, I'm done in.

I stay a little while longer, head to lunch, head to the grocery store where I have quite the interesting experience.  I pull out to the light and there is a cement divider so I pull to the right, as I should and wait at the light.  An elderly couple in a van pulls up next to me . . . on the other side of the divider.  So of course I'm thinking I did something wrong, but they soon realize it's them.  The woman passenger starts waving her arms in the car wildly at me to - move out of the way.  Ok, so I'm at the crosswalk, cars are behind me and the light is red.  I'm not sure exactly where she thinks I'm going so, I just look away.  Figure it out lady.  The light turns green and as I thought, they cross over to my side to turn left into oncoming traffic without a mishap.  Geez - are you kidding me?  I pull out and run over a squirrel.  SQUIRREL!

As Maree says at this point in our adventures. . . what can you do but inappropriately laugh at that situation.  Normally I would have stopped, figured out what to do with the squirrel.  Today I did not.  It got a ranking of, "it's only a squirrel".   I got bigger issues to deal with people.

Made some more uncomfortable phone calls for the household and then I did something I haven't done since I've been here.  I watched a movie.  The Christmas movie Prancer with Sam Elliott (hubba hubba freaking ding dong) and crocheted.  Back to the hospital and then back to the house because "the eagle has landed" - which means Maree is back in the house.  We went back to the hospital then, totally Marees insistence - I had nothing to do with it - went to the Firebird Grill.  Let me see.  Hmmmm, I had the bacon wrapped blue cheese port mushroom gut bomb of goodness with a side of green beans.  Dontcha know the loaded potato or fries would have JUST BEEN TOO MUCH  right?  We ended with the waiters recommendation of their famous carrot cake drizzled with some illegal concoction of salted caramel reduction blah blah blah.  I had 2, count 'em 2 dirty martinis and Maree was delivered something that looked like a lemon drop but tasted like a poo drop and sent it back.  She drove home. Gotta love bad drinks :-).

So our conversation was all over the board because I'm going home tomorrow.  I don't know for how long, but Maree is staying until New Years.  Robbie and Sara will come Sunday and stay with Maree for Christmas.  I'm telling her how I get so many responses to these updates.  She tells me how she forwards them on to her network of close friends and they respond to her.  Maree does not share many personal details with people, so if they are getting it, they know it's important.  They are important.  Which leads to the importance of our networks and all the ways it reaches people.  John Palmer who forwards to groups from Hacienda Heights.  Family members who forward to the extended family members.  You get the picture. 

I'm going to take a break from the updates as Linda remains status quo.  If anything is significant - I'll send it out.  Until then, here's your homework. . . .who's in your network?  I can think of at least 50 people right now that I could call and say I need help.  I need a ride.  I'm sad, meet me for lunch, a drink a movie.  Someone needs to know they can count on you.  No matter what.  It grieves me that Linda chose to call an ambulance instead of a friend.  I know she's pretty isolated and can only take solace that she called me.  I called Maree and when Maree said "should I go?"  I knew I couldn't and said go.  Now.  Maree went.  No questions asked,  Robbie went - of course, right away. 

Make sure that at least your immediate family knows they can count on you and vice versa.  The old martyrdom of "oh, I didn't want to bother them" is actually ridiculous.  You need, we need to be needed.  As you see so many family members in the next few days, ask them how they are really doing?  Do they need any help?  If you are asked, answer - honestly.  You'll be surprised at how it will all come full circle to reconnecting, seeing each other a little more often.  Making the time to drive, talk, eat and share a moment. 

Love to all and take a few days off.  Relax.  Trust me when I say - Linda is in good hands and this is a long waiting game.  If any of the pieces make a game changing move, well. . . you'll be the first to know.

CAL/Laura

December 24, 2012 - Our Linda is at peace

To all of Linda's forever family,

To say what we want to is just too much.   Linda Mitchell passed away tonight at the age of 53.  She fought a valiant fight but went with peace and surrounded by love near and far.  Thank you for the love and support everyone has given Linda's son Robbie and daughter Erin, her mother Beverly, her sisters Laura, Amy, Meg and Maree.  Her numerous relatives.  Her wonderful friends.  Thank you for allowing us to share her struggles for life.  We are confident she is at peace.  She has lots of friends taking her by the hand to heaven she wants - lots of good food, all day reading, quilting, beading, crocheting, holding babies, playing with BAM and out of pain and illness and watching every TV show possible.  Say hi to Dad for us.

This song was requested by Linda, should her time come too soon.  The melody is lovely and haunting. 

Way Over Yonder - by Carole King

Way over yonder is a place that I know
Where I can find shelter from the hunger and cold
And the sweet tasting good life is easily found
Way over yonder, that's where I'm bound, that's where I'm bound
I know when I get there, the first thing I'll see
Is the sun shinin' golden, shinin' right down on me
Then trouble's gonna lose me, worry, leave me behind
And I'll stand up proudly in true peace of mind
Talkin' about, talkin' about
Way over yonder is the place I have seen
In the garden of wisdom from some long ago dream
And maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way
To the land where the honey runs in rivers each day
And the sweet tasting good life is so easily found, yes it is
Way over yonder, that's where I'm
That's where I'm bound, talkin' about, talkin' about
Way over yonder, that's where I'm bound

Linda - you will always be with us.  God bless all of you and your families. 

Day 9

Dear all:

 I update you as therapy for me.  I'm not some spectacular person, I'm just plugging along and wish to share this in part for Linda, but really as a process for myself.  I understand if you don't want to read it, no harm, no foul. 

Woke up at 3:00AM after going to sleep at 11:00PM.  Another winning day.  My mind is racing with all the ridiculous things I need to do.  I'm several days behind Maree, Rob and Sara touching and kind of looking at her stuff.  So, after all three of them telling me yesterday that they were basically paralyzed as to what to do - I barked the orders.  It gave them all a task with results and we got a lot done.  So now I'm tackling some administrative things before they wake up.

Typically every morning I make the coffee.  This morning I had a Monster on ice and after sending her landlord, who resides in Mexico, the news went downstairs to the dreaded basement.  Wow is an understatement.  Maree actually said it frightened her.  So. . . think of a 3 room combo attic and garage of every holiday decoration, scrap of fabric, hobby, books, photos, tools (ok, she has a chain saw), couch, TV, sewing machine, scrap booking and beading.  I hear someone upstairs awakening and it's Robbie who comes downstairs and I hear him running water for the coffee.  I apologize for not making it and he looks at me in complete disgust.  I know how to make coffee, would you like a cup?  He actually runs hot water in my cup before he mixes the coffee, creamer and Splenda.  At this point he says I have completely ruined them by getting them hooked on my sugar free French vanilla creamer.  Hey, I could have said put Bailey's in it and ruined their drive to work with a DUI.  Right?

Ok, Robbie and Sara spend the next several hours finding all the items, blankets, pictures, jewelry, photos and kitchen ware that make them happy.  Some remind them of Linda and some are decisions that they need it.  Linda bought really nice things, especially the kitchen stuff.  I have already said over and over again - dude, no judgment here.  You want it - take it.  Why would you buy it when I'm going to either throw it away or donate it.  They are packed to the gills in their car.  It is snowing with a vengeance and cold.  Rob and Sara go out the back slider to the balcony.  It takes a moment but then we realize.  When they leave today, they are never coming back.  They take pictures of every room and of the front door.  I'm a mess.

The movers call for a visit and estimate.  They want to come now (10:00AM) instead of their 12:30 appointment.  I stand firm and tell them no, it has to be 12:30.  My mom calls asking for the millionth time how we are doing.  Amy is having a very difficult time.  She has so many questions, hurt emotions, denial and starts to sob.  I don't know how to make her feel any better because I feel worse.  We all head out to breakfast to Bob Evans.  Now this is one of the funny parts of the story. . . .

I tell Robbie - Bob Evans is at Minnieville and Prince William Highway.  Want to follow or have us follow you?  We follow him.  It's maybe 5 miles.  He makes a right turn and I say to Maree - I wouldn't have turned this way.  We go to the next light and he does a u-turn.  He then turns right onto the road we were previously going straight on and I say - I wouldn't have turned here.  He now goes to the next light and makes a u-turn.  Now we are going back the way we started out.  He doesn't turn in the parking lot but goes to the light - I say, I would have turned in there and now Maree and I start laughing.  A lot.  We go to the next light and make a right and he has himself boxed into a parking lot that goes nowhere.  I look at Maree and laughing so hard say –“he is just jacking us around”.  He just wants to see how long we will do this.  Now at this point, Sara texts us and says Rob is frustrated and can't find how to get to the Bob Evans.  I respond with I want dinner now.  Maree and I are spitting on ourselves laughing.  We finally park and get out and as Sara rolls her eyes, Rob is shooting spears out of his and Maree and I can't talk because we are laughing so hard.  He finally gives in and the sausage gravy is on.  In a soup bowl.  With biscuits and egg goodness.  The service is slow and horrible but who cares. 

We hug goodbye and let me tell you, Rob can hug.  Really good.  Not too short and a kiss on the lips and looking straight into my eyes.  We had listened earlier in the morning to an audio note Linda left on her phone.  Yeah, it could have been me.  So Maree and I discuss later in the day - do we remind him too much of his mother?  Are we saying things, looking a certain way or clinging to him as our own.  I don't care.  I don't want to lose this man because his mother is gone.  Maree is now surrogate mom and embracing every moment.  Sara is a mess and off they go to jiffy Lube for some new windshield wiper blades because theirs suck and it's snowing.

Maree and I now tackling room by room the "stuff".  The mover shows up for the quote and we are now going with this new guy for storage as well.  There are some complications regarding Linda's daughter and her ability to get what has been left to her.  I have arranged for her two cars to be stored and managed until post probate.  The mail has been forwarded to me in California.  Now we are at the point of what goes to storage.

Folks. . . . Maree and I have both decided when we get back our personal stuff is going to be minimized.  I told Maree, I have no business having anything other than the current project I'm working on. Oh by the way - I'm shipping myself all of the beads, yarn, fabric and more.  Yes, we do see the irony and excessiveness of this situation.   Maree is more about the letters we find from dad to Linda, I'm putting embroidered pillow cases in a box for each sister and my mom.  We are at the point of being disrespectful and struggling.

How can I simply throw away things that "no one would want or need".  I'm bagging all of her clothes for a local church, charity or goodwill.  We are finding so many things about Linda.  Maree is struggling because she didn't know Linda did these things.  I'm struggling because I did and didn't care.  So much happened when were both raising families, discovering our mom-hood and thru it all dealing with family drama.  I am feeling very anxious.  Not a little a lot and don't know why.  I just stop.  I look at Maree and I tell her - I can't put into words what I'm feeling.  She just looks at me and kisses my tummy.  I fall apart and feel so completely disrespectful.  Who am I to throw her things away.  Who am I to donate her entire wardrobe because it's easier than having a sale which I'm not allowed to do until after probate.  I'm thinking of what my sisters would want to touch her again via an embroidered pillow case.  I'm remembering I'm the executor and have a responsibility.  I'm also her sister.  Her big sister.  I'm pretty much done for the day.

 Maree and I eat the baked brie with apricot preserves in puff pastry that I make.  I drink awesome water and she goes thru a gallon of crystal light.  Maree is very good at calling mom and Amy.  I am not.  They can call me, which they do. 

We struggle with re-writing history.  Linda was not perfect.  Linda had issues - big issues.  My favorite find today was the letter I wrote to her regarding all the interactions within the family and who got along with who, who was an idiot blah blah blah.  Dad wrote Linda long, involved, honest letters.  Now Maree and I are pissed.  Did you get any letters from him like that?  What the hell?  Our favorite part was him writing about Amy.  She and Dad lived in El Cajon together post his divorce from our mother.  He says in the letter that Amy thinks the crock pot is GOD because it gets everything she's got and everything is cooking in the crock pot.  Ok, we laughed for a very long time about that.  Then Maree reminds me that when she lived with Dad in Ohio he proclaims. . . . You are going to make me a cake every week.  She tells him she doesn't know how. He tells her to read the directions.  He then asked her to stop after 3 weeks.  I haven't laughed that hard in awhile.

I bag up all of Linda's clothes.  Her clothes and dresser all smell wonderful and feminine.  I never do find the source. It must be a sachet somewhere.  Not lavender which is cliché at this point.  It's something different.  Something wonderful.  Something  better than the smell that is terrorizing me downstairs.  We decide it's the kitchen trash and promptly take it to the curb.  I then see the neighbor man who recognizes me and just doesn't know what to say.  I ask him if he's into power tools because I have a lot in the basement.  He looks a little sheepish and explains that much to his wife's chagrin he's not really a "guy-guy". 

Back to packing, taking pictures of all the bags we are donating, and eating the baked brie again.  I forgot to mention. . . Maree brings two paper plates and a fork for each of us.  I keep trying to use my fork to cut the brie and it keeps spinning in my hand.  I then realize, it's the "extend" fork - Domestic Goddesses you know what that means - and it's not going to work for me.  So. . . the fork looks like a regular fork but if you pull the tines out from the handle, it extends to about a foot or so.  We used to have great fun at restaurants with this ridiculous party trick.  I'm keeping it.

Ok, DD calls, Maree calls my mom, Bob calls me about Linda and how we will have him babysit the VAN that is mentioned in the will, Maree calls Amy, I get downloaded.  I reheat some chocolate chip cookies I made and Maree proclaims that she hates me.  The wind is howling outside and cold air is seeping in every crack.  It's Michaels and Doug's birthdays today.  Face book is full of happy crap I don't care about.  I get a surprise email from a co-worker I never expected it from but nothing for days from anyone else.  I'm not surprised. 

Tomorrow will awaken with a shower - neither of us has today and when the moving guy showed up Maree whipped open her cell phone.  She wanted to show him what she "really  looked like" not the homeless hag we both look like now. My face is broken out, my hair is greasy, I have on bad concealer and my teeth feel like they have moss on them.  Yum yum, give me some of that please.  We will leave at 8:00AM for Maryland.  All our east coast relatives are gathering at our cousin Julies casa for some face time tomorrow.  A day off if you please.  Uh, ok.  I gassed up the car, will use the Garmin system I brought with me and head out.  I will shower and put on make-up.  Maree will look fabulous and we will eat, drink, cry and laugh.  So. . . until tomorrow. . .  here's your homework. . .

Get rid of the junk.  Pretend someone is going to touch it, read it and decide its fate.  You need to do it first.  Don't store it if you aren't going to  look at it.  This is brutal.  I'm throwing away photos of people I don't know, diaries that are painful to read and ticket stubs I don't care about.  De-clutter your life.  My cousin John sent me a lovely email - don't be a slave to your stuff.  It all seems very important now but I'm telling you, Maree and I have some pretty big tasks when we return.  Get the trust done.  Get the additional signer on the accounts.  Get rid of the stuff.  You lived it once, you don't need to again. 

 Love to all.  We will watch a green tv tonight - Rob has the good one and we moved the basement one up here and can't figure the color thing out.  We've redone all the wires and at this point don't give a sh**.

xoxo - CAL/Laura

Day 10

this was my daily update - they all feel like they know you too.  You are a wonderful young man

From: Robbie Mitchell [mailto:robbie.mitchell@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, December 30, 2012 8:01 AM
To: Laura Caldarone; Maree Mitchell
Subject: Fwd: Sad news from Virginia

 Just thought I'd forward you the email I sent to my personal network a few days ago. (Found a few typos resulting from my state of mind at the time.)

 Love you

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Robbie Mitchell <robbie.mitchell@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Dec 27, 2012 at 10:18 AM
Subject: Sad news from Virginia
To:

Hi everyone,

 I'm sad to report that my mom, Linda Mitchell, passed away Monday night.

 December 4, mom called 9-1-1 after weeks of difficult breathing and shortness of breath escalated to unbearable levels. Two days later, she was moved to the ICU and put on oxygen support because her lungs providing enough oxygen to her body. Two days after that, she chose to be intubated--put under full sedation and on a ventilator to give her body time to recover with minimal stress.

In parallel, on her first day time they performed a CT scan of her chest and discovered a few masses indicating the new presence of breast cancer which had spread to a nearby lymph node and possibly other places. For those who don't know, she was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer when I was 9 and was given a 20% chance of surviving. She battled surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation to beat it and was cancer free for over 20 years.

During her initial weeks in the hospital, doctors treated every possible cause, primarily pneumonias. After weeks without recovery, she developed ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome), a general state of lung distress that is usually a secondary condition. They never did identify the initial problem, but they treated ARDS the best they could. After initial signs of progress, she took a turn backward and was not able to recover--her lung capacity continued to diminish as irreversible fibrosis spread throughout. Meanwhile, they were not able to do any biopsies to confirm cancer, and it continued to loom in the background as something that needed to be treated. She was, unfortunately, never able to wake up from the sedated state and died peacefully with me and her sister Maree by her side. She died at age 53.

I am here settling her affairs for a few days, with lots of help from Sara and two of my (four) aunts, one of whom will be overseeing everything from here on out. I will return to NYC this weekend. We are tentatively planning for a memorial service on the west coast in late January and another one on the east coast in early February.

I had a complicated relationship with my mom. Above all I am thankful for the past few years, during which we both worked actively to rebuild our relationship and discover each other in adulthood.

She was ferociously independent, and she raised me to be the same, for better or worse. From the day of her cancer diagnosis over two decades ago, she prepared me to be on my own: I cooked, I cleaned, I packed lunch, I ran laundry, I managed my spending money, I bought cars, I signed apartment leases, I left town. Each time, I did it--sometimes terribly--but I came out stronger for it.

She had an intense work ethic. When she moved to us from California to Ohio, she took a loss on her home. To pay for a home in Kettering, she put the down payment on a credit card and took a second job as a waitress at a restaurant up the street. She was a 35 year-old single mom with two kids and two jobs. I emulated her the best I could, from taking a job to at age 14 to save money for my first car to working two jobs during college to showing up in Cambridge and NYC with no job each time but the confidence that I could make things happen. (For the record, I had and continue to receive buckets of help along the way from friends, families, and strangers.)

In short, she pushed me to be fearless.

This experience has helped me focus on what's in front of me. I don't have much time to do the things I want to do with this short life. On that note, I proposed to Sara (gf of 3.5 years) last Saturday and she now has a ring on her finger--a ring I was able to show my mom while she was still awake in the ICU. Soon I'll have a wife and everything that unfolds from there. I have friends and family I love and cherish, my dream job, a beautiful home, and my health. I'm an incredibly lucky person.

I hope each of you has had a wonderful holiday and that it continues through the new year.

Sincerely,

Robbie Mitchell

Day11

Dear all:

This morning brings Maree heading home and I will be closing up the house and heading home Thursday.  The movers come tomorrow, I will attempt to ship what feels like half the house home in boxes for my sisters and such.  I am hopeful that this will help us all touch Linda one more time and take comfort in some of the beautiful items she made.  The rest go into storage and a local church received many of Linda's household items, clothing, games, movies and such for their various women's and children's outreach programs.  They couldn't have been more thrilled.  it took 4 van trips packed to the gills across town, 39 degree weather outside and a trip thru McDonalds.

Funny Story on this one. . . . for those of you ever exposed to Linda and her feet, well, they were like dads.  Ooooh could they smell.  Bad.  Well, I'm driving, Maree is riding shotgun and the heat is turned on and finally making a difference inside the van.  Maree looks at me and asks, "Did you poop"?  Ok, poop?  Yes Maree, while I'm driving I pooped my pants.  What the hell?  Do you mean toot?  Bad air out of a bad place?  She starts laughing and laughing and evidently was trying to say another word, which still doesn't sound like fart at this point, and got it mixed up.  So I tell her, nope - it's Linda's shoes.  So she just looks at me.  "Maree, it's now warming up in the car and heating up her shoes".  A look of recognition hits her and she says "oh yeah!  That's right!  She had really stinky feet."  So we feel a little bad, really only a little because we are really tired in more ways than one, about handing over stinky shoes.  Their choice to keep. 

We ended the day with dinner at Clyde's in Arlington with Bob, Linda's long time best friend.  The food was fabulous, I drank, Maree drove and I was called at midnight my time by DD - Deputy Dawg, Robbie and Alexis.  Each call ended with I love you on both ends and the silence that says this sucks.  I'm not ready to say this will get better. 

There will be an official notice via a number of ways to invite you all regarding Linda's Memorial Celebration of Life.

January 19, 2013

2:00PM-5:00PM

Hilton Garden Inn

10543 Sierra Avenue, Fontana, CA  92337

909.822.7300 - Rooms are $79 for us, just ask for the block under CAL or ask for Tere.

We will be suggesting several choices of charities Linda was fond of and some the family may recommend but those are still being firmed up.  Linda's final wishes were lots of good comfort food, Carol Kings song - Way Over Yonder and that the room be filled with only pictures of her looking fabulous.  Well, that is easy.  If you would like your favorite picture of you and she, please send to me and I will make sure it is up.

Please provide an RSVP to the official invite so we can properly plan on the "comfort food" and a shot of her favorite drink for everyone.  Please be on the lookout next week but hold this date on your calendars.  We will look forward to seeing, hugging and loving each of you at that time.

Alexis sent this to us and exposes her in a way that is raw and accurate.  My kids are watching their mom suffer but they have their own memories and experiences.  Linda, as we sisters do, took her job as Aunt pretty serious.  She was a very very good aunt.

Aunt Linda passed away Monday evening. I admit that I'm still in shock and expect to see her again sometime soon. Updates of her ailing health in the hospital and now of progress made to gather pieces of her life left behind are sent out daily. Sadly I feel this is the most I've ever known about her and this is just one more glimpse into the who Linda was and the impact she left behind.

When I would post something on Facebook or pin a craft on Pinterest she always emailed me separate to talk about what my post meant or how together, we could recreate the craft. Last night, as I thought of this, I began to remember much more than side conversations triggered only by my social media. My entire life I have struggled with bi-polar. Not something I understood at an early age but evolved to embracing it as who I am. I owe much of that to Aunt Linda. When first diagnosed, I was in high school. In the midst of dealing with angst and depression strictly from the being a teenager, I had to work on balancing cocktails of medicine and its side effects. I felt alone. Of hearing this, Aunt Linda would send me articles of celebrities and/or great minds who have/had struggled with bi-polar as I will be. I was determined to understand this balance without medicine. As my mom could attest, I was stubborn about this. So, Aunt Linda sent me a book about noticing signs within yourself and witnessing the reactions of others to determine whether you are slipping into a manic state. I still refer to this book today as I have for the past 8 years.

Aunt Linda was awkward and inappropriate and had the wear of her own tortured soul written on her face. People were turned off by this. Never got close enough to see Linda and who, with all of her good intentions, she was at heart. She was kind, loving and selfless, thoughtful and creative. She would make all of her own greeting cards, not just the kind printed from the computer, no, hand painted with buttons or ribbon. They were beautiful. She died at 53 and I feel that so many people missed out on getting to know her the way she should have been known and now, remembered.

Alexis Caldarone

Homework . . . . remember the impact and impression you make on others.  It doesn't have to be some world changing martyr, have all the answers, make cookies for the poor every weekend or a stoic religious figure.  It should just be you, being true to yourself.  I mentioned before that Linda and I got into an argument for our 35th high school reunion.  She didn't show up for a bunch of dumb reasons but the biggest was because I was thinner and she was heavier.  I remember getting really loud and yelling - we don't care what you weigh.  We just want to see you and be with you.  Linda - own it!  Your weight does not define you.  So what!  When she really didn't show up, that argument went on for some time.

Let folks into who you are.  Share yourself.  Expose yourself.  Be honest.  Thin, overweight, shy, gregarious - own it. 

xoxo and my wishes for a wonderful 2013 - full of changes, hope, love, reconnecting and communicating.

Laura/CAL

Day 12

Dear all:

When I sent the update this morning, I'd been up since about 2:30AM.  Roaming the halls, found a card from Maree taped to the basement light switch.  She was wishing me strength and love, to wrap this all up.  I am still awake and it's not a pretty sight.

The car arrived for Maree and it was still dark outside.  We have both had the same driver to and from the airport for our numerous trips and he was filled in on Linda the last time.  Maree was already here and I was leaving.  He told me he hoped she would get better and to have a Merry Christmas.  He looked at Maree with tender eyes and asked "how is your sister"?  Meltdown #1 for Maree of the day with 3 simple words, she passed away.  Not a word was spoken from that point on. 

Maree continued to be inconsolable and the TSA agent finally asked her if she was ok.  He asked, "Is it just the goodbyes?".  Meltdown continuing for #2.  Arguing couple on her plane, long flights with turbulence and her little joy of the day. . . . the milk had not expired yet so she could have cereal, her comfort food, and then go visit her other family - the Vallejo’s.

I spent about 6 hours organizing, boxing for shipping and then the first of my melt downs, giving in to just throwing things away.  Lots of things.  If I lived here I'd have the sale of the century, but I don't.  Linda's friend Liz came over with her husband and after meltdown #3 she decided she wants to rent it so I emailed the landlord (I really want to call her something else but I'm remembering I could be making an impression on someone) and they are both agreeable.  I shut off all the utilities on Friday, shut off the cell phone, eat left over's from 3 or 4 days ago and then sat and watched the movie The Vow.  Yeah, the scene where she is on the ventilator?  whatever.

I then checked out for several hours.  I didn't answer phone calls, texts or emails.  The task has come to the point of a harsh reality.  I just can't keep it all and to store it is ridiculous.  Who am I and what right do I have to say her attempt at making dolls isn't worth keeping because none of them have hair and their clothes are questionable.  I mean if she'd asked me I would have been her friend and told her to perhaps move onto one of the other hundred fully stocked hobbies in the basement but the dolls are Chuckie like.  :-)  Meltdown #4.  I cannot just throw these things away.  There are boxes of books - reading, quilting, beading, crocheting, learning Russian, photo albums of people I don't know, her learners permit for driving.  You get the gist.  It is heart wrenching and I already am shipping home so many boxes of things I have good intentions for.  I am probably shipping home things I will hand off to my sisters because I just can't make the decision myself.  The trash pile is growing, the walls are empty, I'm finding more things that upset me as mementos and I'm actually close to being done.

My mom calls and she is worried that I'm alone.  I don't hide it and I cry.  I feel what I'm doing is wrong.  I've had a headache for days now and Maree keeps texting DD to have him pressure me to confirm I took my BP medicine.  I am because if I don't I feel like crap.  It's the yucky stuffed up headache.  My face is still breaking out, my jeans are tight because I'm still feeling the need to dip my food in gravy and then we laugh.  Mom says, you don't have to worry about my stuff = I cleaned it all out a long time ago.  I tell her that Maree said we are never going to divide and conquer again - it's both of us thru the whole ordeal.  Then I tell mom, listen, if you are going to go, could you die fast?  Please?  We laugh and laugh and laugh - inappropriate joke born of tense emotions and what we all are thinking.  sigh.

I'm eating Tostitos and salsa for dinner and have every intention of wrapping up the basement over the next few hours.  DD, Mom, Maree, Alexis, Amy and the new renter all called me.  Gun shots all day in the forest that I call the back yard, coyotes howling, it is stoopid cold and snow expected and I see the end in sight.  Now it's time for the homework, followed by the reason for it.

I have never been to this house.  I have never been to Linda's house that is rented out in the state of Washington.  She is always making the trip to see us.  Maree had said, we have to go see Linda so we had tentatively put in our minds to spend the weekend with Linda  - Martin Luther King's holiday weekend.  In a sad twist, we still will be.  That is her memorial celebration weekend.  Once again - on our turf. 

Homework. . . . It's not always feasible financially to visit those you love.  Skype and Facetime have certainly lessened the guilt and you can walk around your place with a laptop showing them your new couch, artwork and laundry pile.  Every family member deserves to have family in their home IF THEY INVITE YOU!  Some folks just want to go to your place and that's ok as long as it's happening.   I say, wine, crackers, cheese a  light salad and it will feel like a holiday.  Baked brie in puff pastry - which I made for Maree and me (of course I did) made us feel welcome in Linda's home because she loved it too.  Go visit.  Be visited.  Don't be alone and don't let someone else be alone.  I need to see my mom more.  I plan on it. 

kisses and love to all - hang tight only 2 more updates folks. 

Day 13

Dear family and friends:

I'm up early, no surprise here, worried about all the last minute things.  My goal is to get it all done and then lay in bed.  When we were here in full force, Rob and Sara had the big room, Maree the twin bed in one bedroom and me the couch in the other bedroom.  I like the couch, I do not like the twin bed.  I do however love the down comforter I have slept under every night. I'm thinking of bringing it home.  I want the things that remind me of Linda.  Maree on the other hand didn't take home things she brought with her to get thru it, too painful of a reminder.  I'm packing that stoopid light up make-up mirror, a cereal bowl and the coffee scoop Robbie's work sent us.  Weird, right?  Oh, and one pair of the thousand magnified reading glasses we found everywhere and donated.

I need to figure out how to shut off the water main valve and drain all the faucets in the house of water so the pipes don't freeze.  I vacuumed, cleaned, took out the main trash but now I am frozen at the refrigerator.  The freezer.  Things she would make from the 5 frozen pie crusts.  Frozen sweet potato patties - I didn't know such a thing existed.  What would that have been the side dish to.  Crap.  I just need to blow thru it.

The van is loaded with another run to the post office, I'm returning 3 big straps of shipping boxes to the storage place, putting together a last remaining box of things for Bob.  He's a very quiet guy.  Doesn't ask for a thing.  Gives great hugs.  The box will be in the van when I meet him at the Pentagon metro station and he takes me to the airport, then drives the van home to babysit until all of this nonsense is done.  Whenever that is.

I called Washington where Linda has a house and evidently when I file in Virginia, I have to inform them of the other property and complete an ancillary probate.  They will give me a sealed court envelope certifying the contents as an official copy of the original will.  The Probate attorney I spoke with in Washington state made me feel like I will be at this for awhile.  I have been offered a place to stay by my friend Dana Tillis, Linda's pastor Jean and they all come with friendship, a car and in the pastors case, probably not any awesome water.  For medicinal purposes of course.

So here is my goodbye.  I needed to be here alone today.  I understand that when I leave, I'm never coming back here to this house, ever.  I've been gone from work for a month.  I have no concept of time, day of the week and seriously cannot remember if I packed certain things to ship.  I'm worried I threw something important away but I really can't remember or find certain paperwork.  I have the will in my purse.  I guess that's all that matters now.

Our sister's death says a new generation has the ability to pass on.  We are now the parents and although too young by standards, I remember thinking how old folks were at my age now.  I think as a youngster I wouldn't have been surprised and frankly 50 looked like 80 - all the same but with different color hair, elastic waistband pants, those ugly shoes that look like orthotics and perhaps a cane.  The movers found a glamour style photo of me about 10 years ago in the rubble to be tossed.  He brings it up the stairs and asks if I really want to throw it away.  Yes.  He's concerned about all the photos.  I explain she had the copies, we've got the originals.  More evidence to young folks - who are all those people in the photos? - They are your relatives.  Linda was doing all the genealogy - I found the file and sent it home.  I think.

You have all indulged me/us through this process.  So many have said I validated their own feelings on the death of a loved one.  Helped them prepare for the future.  Stalked me via email (well you know I love a crowd). There is much we didn't share.  The obvious side drama's of emotions, issues, worrying about mom because people kept asking her if/why she wasn't coming here.  My sisters and mom putting their blind faith in Maree and I on why it was not a good idea to come back.  Robbie for looking at me and being in shocked denial and me saying - we have it.  The urge not to vomit every time I walked in that damn hospital room and it was like something out of a bad movie.  Once again explaining to mom that it would be bad, in many ways, to come back here.  She just hurts so deeply for us.  She is at peace with Linda and her struggles.  Amy and Meg wanting so badly to help but the streamlined process had to happen.  I went into administrative mode and Maree went into her famous checklist mode.  She has a main piece of paper - I have 20 scraps, a bunch of little notepads, scribbles on Linda's bills and I'm hoping when I get home I can make sense of it all.

I hope to see many of you at the memorial but of course understand you are also spread all over the United States and we do not expect anyone to attend for us.  We are good, but everyone needs closure and in their own way.  I think I  "might" be able to speak about her, but the reality is I'll be a mess and really not sure.  I'm not a pretty crier (for that matter I've seen Maree and Amy and they aren't either).  I am crying.  Badly.  I remember my dad telling me that crying was just you feeling sorry for yourself.  Ok, I'm feeling sorry for myself.  Very sorry.  I need to pack a lot of tissues for the ride home.  See you soon , Maree, Mom, DD, Alexis, Devin and the network of folks who have become my extended family.  Love to all.

The door is closed and locked.  Goodbye.

 Laura/Cal

Robbie’s Eulogy for his Mom

It’s kind of overwhelming to see all of you here. I don’t know some of you, but you knew my Mom.  I spent a few days writing something, and then I realized that I hated it because it was mostly about how I’m going to try and deal with her passing.  But I’d rather just celebrate my Mom.

She raised two kids by herself . . . and that makes her “the shit.”  Watching the video, there’s pictures of her from when I was like 10 years old, and then, there are these pictures of her in the past 5 years or so.  It’s like I get to see an adult version of my Mom and a “my-age” version of my Mom.  And in the middle of that, she raised me and it’s really interesting to see the transition. 

When I was thinking about her, I was thinking about how she moved Erin and me to Ohio when she was 35 with two kids.  She sold her house, took a loss on it, and then bought a new one—on a credit card.  She had a job with the Department of Energy and she took a second job as a waitress just to pay for it.  I’m almost 32 years old, and I can’t really imagine that.  She was just really strong.

She was diagnosed with cancer when I was 9 or 10 and nearly died.  That couldn’t have been easy for her.  But she accelerated the rate at which we had to grow up, and she shifted into overdrive.  She said, “You’re going to manage all your own money”; which meant that I spent it terribly.  Instead of buying jeans, I bought candy.  Well anyway, she did this really hard thing—which is to accelerate the rate at which we grew up.  She made us manage our money, pack our own lunches, do laundry, get jobs, run out of money, pay for college, and eventually leave town.  And I hated her a long time for that.  I didn’t agree with what she did.  But she was really smart.  And I find myself in talking with other people, that I’ve dealt with a lot more than they’ve had to so far. . .and that I don’t really fear anything.  I’ve been poor.  I’ve been on top of the world.  I’ve found someone that I love. I’m capable of doing anything.  It’s been about as hard as it can be, and I’m fine.  And I owe that strength and fearlessness to her because she did it, and she helped me do it, and I’m grateful for that.

One of the funny things that happened recently was when she visited New York City, and she said she was going to go to Mood (Designer) Fabrics.  She was obsessed with fabrics- antiques and fabric stores.  So she was going to go to Mood Fabrics in NY City during the day on Monday and leave before we got home.  So, we got home Monday night, after she had left for the day, and we discovered that she hadn’t gone to Mood Fabrics . . . that she had instead gone to Bed, Bath & Beyond and organized our apartment.  That was like, two months ago.  So, we got home and the closet was full of container-store containers, there was a new bath mat, and a bathtub curtain, hamper and whatever.  She wasn’t saying that we had crappy stuff, she was just . . . helping.  And the funny thing is that I don’t remember growing up knowing that about her . . . that she was a container store fanatic.  But I discovered in the past couple of years that I am.  So just this past week, I went to the container store after work, and bought this thing that holds bags; you can shove bags into it and pull them out the other end when you want them.  And I’ve really wanted it for two years; so finally, it was just—why don’t I just buy it?  So, I walked into the container store and bought it.

The point is that I’m still realizing and discovering that I’m more like her than I thought.   I didn’t know that about her, and now, I’ve discovered that about myself.  I also discovered that I talk to the T.V., the way she talked to the T.V.  I forget things the way she forgot things . . . like, I left my coat at Penn Station . . . and I leave my keys all over the place.  So I got that stuff.  But I also got her creativity, and I got her independence, and I got her fearlessness.  And I think I’m still discovering what I got from her that’s going to live on, and that’s awesome.  Sara met her for a few years—and she points them out to me sometimes—“You just did that thing that your Mom does” which I kind of hated a few years ago.  I don’t mind it now.

I love her, I miss her.  I find myself wanting to call her just to tell her stuff.  Over the past couple of years, I developed this habit of calling home.  I would actually call and say, “Hey, I’m on my way home, on the subway, what’s up?  Or, I’m leaving—I’ll text you my flight number.”  I have to un-train myself in that.  That’s hard.  I miss her.  But most of all, I’m really proud of her.  And I hope that I make her proud.

Maree’s Eulogy for her sister Linda

Hello- my name is Maree and I am Linda’s youngest sister.

I’d like to share with you some of my memories of Linda.

It may seem odd to start like this but I don’t feel like I knew Linda all that well as we were growing up.  I was just 11 years old when she went into the Air Force at the age of 17.  Shortly after she was discharged, she became a mom and then within a few years a mom again.  She lived far away and I lived far away.  I mostly knew about her through updates from Laura.

One thing I remember about Linda over the years was her quest to always give me the perfect gift--- there were a lot of misses over the years and a lot of frustration on her part.  The misses were mostly because we just weren’t in the same place at the same time and didn’t know each other all that well. I remember one gift she gave me that was preceded by the words “this is so you”—it was a jumpsuit.  No matter what year it is or how old you are, a jumpsuit is not okay J

About two years ago, Linda sent Christmas presents to my house for Laura and me.  I opened up one of the boxes while she was on the phone with us and it was a really cool necklace—I really liked it!  She was so excited that she squealed but then she called Laura later to make sure I really had liked it and wasn’t just saying it to make her feel better.

I thought we had turned a corner until in early December last year, a large box arrived on my doorstep.  It was 6 bottles of wine!  No card.  I posted on Facebook “Okay who sent me the wine?”—no response.  I figured it had to be somebody who didn’t know me that well so I checked around at work--- nope, nobody sent it.  Then I remembered this cryptic message Linda had texted me saying something would be arriving soon.  I texted her and said “did you send me wine?”  She texted back, “yes!”  I messaged, “I don’t drink wine”.  Message back from her, “dang it!” and so the cycle continued J

Linda had three pet peeves --- she hated bad grammar, bad manners and bad customer service.  She would often send emails either writing about some observation of just declaring her indignation over something.  A recent exchange was over the misuse of the word “socialize” in her workplace.  I responded and said that the word had evolved the same way in my workplace and how I used it.  I must have gotten like 4 emails on it ending with an article that talked about the evolution of the word but how in the end it was still the wrong use.  It was her way of conceding yet still being right.  I laughed though that we could exchange that many emails on one word.

A few years ago in an effort to build a relationship with me, Linda called me one day and simply said “I want to get to know you better”.  To know me is to know those can be some scary words for me from family but I said “okay”.  We just started to talk more—and she was really good about calling, asking me about my life (which at times I am sure can be difficult since I am not always very forthcoming with information), and sharing with me about hers.  Then one day she called and said she needed help.

To know Linda is to know Linda lives large--- she doesn’t have a lot of guard rails meaning nothing is really off limits for her.  She will talk about anything, say most anything and she laughs BIG---- I hear her laugh in my head every day.  That being said, though, sometimes a life without guardrails can be difficult for others to navigate.  Most folks want some boundaries and if they aren’t defined, they can pull back. 

Linda said to me “I want to build better relationships with people, will you help me?”  What I loved about that and our conversations that we had for many months was that Linda was a work in progress---she wasn’t done yet.  She graduated from college in 2000 and was accepted early last year for grad school.  She wanted to be the best mom, a great friend, a good sister and overall a better person.  She was doing the hard work any one of needs to do to make that happen.  She was listening, she was absorbing and she was trying to do some things different.  She was so appreciative to me for our conversations and of course what I didn’t know at the time is how appreciative I was of them until we couldn’t have them anymore.

In early December, when we found out Linda was hospitalized and I booked my ticket to go back to her, she called me on the phone from the hospital and said, “I need to tell you something and ask you something”.  First she explained the cancer was back.  I said, “okay”.  Then she asked if I would be her advanced medical directive person. I said I would but we would need to have conversations so that I understood her wishes.  I have struggled with her asking me to play that role for many weeks--- in my head trying to figure out what that meant and why me.  Where I have landed is that Linda believed in me and trusted me---it was a great gift she left with me, I just wish it hadn’t come wrapped the way it did.

I have learned a great deal about Linda in death.  In the days following her passing, when we had to pack her house, I became immersed in her life, past and present. I was overwhelmed with her love, artistry and generosity.

What jumped out at me from the start was what an artist she was--- at every turn there was something she had created or was creating.  On her hutch was a frame with a picture of the view of her backyard overlooking the river.  She photographed that exact same view during every season and then would change the picture frame as the seasons changed.  There were blankets she had crocheted all around the house.  There were sketchbooks everywhere with etchings of unknown faces. There were all sorts of arts and crafts---- scrapbooking, beading, sewing, embroidery, painting.  She clearly loved to create things.

What I also learned was Linda was a historian--- she not only had everything from her own life but she had everything from Robbie and Erin’s life.  Every report card, letter, card, picture, Halloween costume, toy… it goes on and on.  In those days following where we felt such incredible sadness, there were some real moments of joy for me watching Robbie see what his mom had saved for him--- how many times I heard “oh my god” or “no way!”  That would have brought her great joy.

One of the items we found was this picture she sketched of a woman and her child.  Sara, Robbie’s fiancée had just shared with me some pictures of her sister and niece the day before we found it and I turned to her and I said, “is this your sister?”—a beautiful 8.5 x 11 sketch of the two of them.  Linda had just spent Thanksgiving with them and I am sure it was meant to be a gift.

There was one beautifully painted box that Linda created that was sort of a replicated Chinese art but also sort of decoupage.  It sat on four legs and had a sliding top and sewn padding on the inside.  Robbie and Sara were going to take it with them and I asked them if I could keep it.  They said, “of course”.  Well Linda’s ashes arrived at my door about a week ago and it was a difficult day as I knew I was just safeguarding her until a future date but hadn’t thought about how to do that.  I wasn’t sure where she should reside and then the painted box arrived which had been shipped.  I opened it up and she fit perfectly inside—it seemed so appropriate that her resting place for now would be with a piece of art she had created.

One of the final items I found of Linda’s was her bucket list.  Yep, she had an actual bucket list and it was written down and checked off.  I’d like to share with you what she accomplished….

(please see separate PDF attachment of bucket list)

There are things on this list that Linda hadn’t accomplished yet but I will tell you she put a good dent in it and after all she was a work in progress…..

Amy’s Eulogy for her sister Linda

I just want to say how thankful I am for having Linda in my life….you generally have a short list of people you feel unconditionally loved by and she was one of those for me.  I miss her.

Linda was really good at making life happen, rather than waiting for it to happen, and she loved being of service to others. 

(1)   When she lived in Ohio, as a single parent, she took in Yulia Potnikova for a year as a foreign exchange student from the Ukraine.

(2)   When Linda lived in Washington State, she became a CASA—which is a Court Appointed Special Advocate for foster kids. 

(3)   When living in DC, she volunteered at the Whitehouse, as a correspondent, answering letters written to the President. 

Whenever Linda traveled for business, she would research the city she was going to for their local history, and visit their points of interest.  Linda was always looking forward to something—a concert, a trip, a get together with family—and, like my cousin Cindy who’s here from Pennsylvania, an opportunity share herself. I love you Cindy. 

In October 2010, Linda went on the vacation of a lifetime to Italy with her good friend Bob, who’s here from Maryland.  I’m sure you know that there are those people that come into our lives, and forever leave footprints on our hearts.  Bob took care of my sister when she went through chemotherapy in the 1990’s and was a strong figure in the lives of Linda’s children, Robbie and Erin. Over the years, they’ve maintained the strongest of friendships. I love you Bob, and I’m sorry for your loss. 

Linda was the consummate gift-giver.  Two years ago, I had to be off work for a few months due to a bulging disk in my neck resting on the nerve root to my left arm.  I have never known such pain. I would just sit up most nights.  Unsolicited, Linda sent me her favorite video tapes.  When I got the box, I was happy that I still had a VCR, but then when I saw the tapes. . . “Really, Linda—Xena, Princess Warrior?” 

      I wasn’t going to say this part, but when you’re in that kind of pain—I started writing poetry to God.  I’d call Linda and say, “Hey, can I read you another poem I wrote?”  It got to the point that she said, (and I’m going to say a bad word here, so forgive me): “I don’t want to hear one more of your damn poems!”  So just to get her back, I wrote her a poem on the back of the memorial card.

Linda was always supportive of my efforts to find “Mr. Right.” 

And she had a sharp wit. 

In my 30’s, she once sent me a card that said, “I found Mr. Right once. . . he was taking Mrs. Right & the kids for pizza.” 

In my 40’s, she sent me a card called, “The Progressive Woman”

Number 1:  How to find Mr. Right.

Number 2:  How to keep a man happy.

Number 3:  Improve your looks through plastic surgery.

Number 4:  Learning to live alone.

Number 5:  Choosing the right cat.

Linda was forever trying to be a big sister to me.  When I graduated high school, my parents gave me $400—which, when I think about it now, back in 1978 was like $1,400!  Thanks Mom.  Linda encouraged me to buy a plane ticket and come visit her at Christmas at Chicksands AFB in England, where she was a Russian Interpreter.  Well, we looked so much alike that I was able to stay on base, in her bunk for two solid weeks. . .and we just took turns going to the mess hall to eat.  They probably just thought, “Gosh that girl eats a lot.” 

She arranged with one of her friends in the military police to take me to London for the day.  I got to see the (1) Changing of the Guards, (2) the Crown Jewel’s Exhibit and (3) Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum.  To date, that is the only time I have ever traveled abroad. 

I love you Linda.

It was in England that Linda started to collect China.  When I went to visit her this last July, I was admiring her China cups.  She told me that she had once heard, “You should drink the first cup of coffee every day in a fine China cup. . .because it just tastes better.”  I mentioned that to my Mom last week and she said that Linda had heard it from her mother—Grandma Gasper.   

You’ll note that on the front of the Memorial card is reads: “THIS IS YOUR LIFE.” That was a card sent by Linda to my Mom.  Inside the card she wrote, “Mom you are truly the rock of ages. I know we have our conflicts, so I guess I don’t take the time to tell you how much I appreciate all the things you do—for me and for Robbie and Erin, and for everyone. I know you don’t expect anything in return, but I hope I can give it anyway.  Love always, Linda.  I love you Mom. 

Linda loved to find the irony in situations and share them.  As a trainer to government agencies, she taught others how to write rock-solid, air-tight contracts, so that contractors couldn’t exploit the silences.  To demonstrate this, she often used an analogy about raising her son Robbie when he was a teenager and setting a curfew. The story goes like this:  On one particular Saturday night, she told Robbie he had to be home by midnight. As the bewitching hour approached and Robbie wasn’t home, she began to pace.  12:00 came and went. . . by 12:30, she was really nervous. She finally walked out front and there was Robbie, sitting in the car. . . at the front curb.  She stormed over and pounded on the window and said, “Didn’t I tell you to be home by midnight?”  And Robbie’s response was, “I am home.”           I love you Robbie.  And Sarah, I’m looking forward to being your Aunt.

This past week, I have had the pleasure of having Linda’s daughter Erin stay with me.  She’s articulate, funny, sarcastic, kind, opinionated, insightful and beautiful.  But. . . she hates Country Western music.  I love you anyway Erin.

As in the cycle of life, this past week—on the day before Linda’s birthday, my son Adam and his wife Lori, made me a grandmother—the first grandchild in our family—his name is Grant.  I have never been as proud as I was watching my son help his wife through labor and delivery.  I know that if Linda was alive and well, she would have flown out here, just to be there—just like she was there for the birth of my son Adam.  Linda always gave the gift of showing up at life-changing moments.  I think that she knew that our children are messengers that we send to a time that we will never see.  I love you Adam. 

Linda’s death was so shocking to the conscience, and over the days that followed, I wanted so badly to recall all the things I could remember her telling me, just to hold onto her—and then, I realized that I REALLY had to think.  We spoke almost every Saturday—and yet, although I was listening, I wasn’t always retaining what she was saying.  I suddenly wished I’d asked more questions—and perhaps showed more interest in the little things that were important to her.  I know that her job was VERY important to her.  We are both trainers.  We would brainstorm different adult learning theories to get students involved in the class and improve retention.  In fact, in 2013, we were going to get our Master’s degrees together as cohorts at Park University in Adult Learning Theory.  Linda was the smartest person I have ever known.

Losing Linda has brought me closer to my Mom and sisters than ever before. 

When Maree returned from Virginia—after being at Linda’s bedside and helping to close down her home—I felt compelled to just show up at her home in Laguna.  I stopped to pick her up some groceries for her and I bought a small flower plant.  At the checkout, the box girl said, “Oh what a pretty plant.”  I told her, “I’m buying it for my sister—she took care of my other sister who just passed away.”  The girl responded, “Oh, I had a fight with my sister on Christmas and I’m not talking to her.”  

I told her, “You know what?  Your sister is never going to change—you need to just accept her exactly as she is, and find a way to reconcile.  I want you to go home and call her today and tell her that you love her because you don’t know how long you’re going to have her.”  She stood there in stunned silence . . . and started to cry and we hugged. I feel like Linda is continuing to bring people together. 

When I got to Maree’s, she was just leaving to be with friends.  Unbeknownst to me, she texted them and told them she’d be late . . . she invited me in, and then proceeded to separate the groceries I’d purchased into “love it—hate it” piles. She told me later, that—out of desperation—that she even ate the “hate it” food too.  I love you Maree.

When Laura returned home from Virginia a few days later, I just showed up where she lives in Highland—and I never just show up.  The look on her face—just like Maree’s—was one of both surprise and relief.  She went in the other room and brought me an original oil painting, willed to me by Linda, that she’d hand-carried back.  Laura, with everything you had to do, and you did that for me. . .I love you Laura.  Then, she offered to make me some coffee.  We sat at her kitchen table and she told me the back story—all the things that she couldn’t possibly put in her e-mails about Linda’s care, the decisions they had to make, the heartache and the emotions. 

I cried as she cried.  Then, she handed me what was the most amazing cup of coffee I’ve ever had.  I asked, “What is this??”  She told me her boyfriend, DD grinds fresh Vanilla coffee beans each day.”   (Yeah, in his spare time.) 

The very next day, I went to the store and bought whole vanilla coffee beans to grind.

   That week, I received a box that Laura had shipped from Virginia—filled with Linda’s china tea cups.  I remembered what Linda told me about the first cup of coffee each day. 

(1)   I ground the Vanilla beans, (2) brewed them, and (3) poured them into one of the lovely flowered China cups.  I felt like I was surrounded by my family. 

Alexis and Devin—thank you for being such a support to your Mom.  I love you.

By your presence, I know that you understand what it means to us to be surrounded by family and friends at a time like this. 

Thank you all for coming to celebrate Linda’s life.  God bless you.

Alexis’ Eulogy for her Aunt Linda

On the last night of my mothers stay in Virginia I spoke with her on the phone. There were tears and grief and I did not have to words to offer comfort or solace. My mother was grasping for any reminisce of Linda. Taking home Linda’s hairdryer or old knitting books. Having just one mismatched bowl at home because it was what my mother ate from during her stay.  When we lose someone of whom we loved so much we try to keep the memory of that love alive. We can place our hope of remembrance in an object such as a bowl or hairdryer; however, in time these objects will no longer work or will break. They will be placed in a box and then into storage where the memory of why you had in the first place will be gone. 

Aunt Linda had always lived far enough from me that any visit would either require more than one night’s stay or a plane ticket. This did not make it easy to have frequent visits or a close relationship.  When I was young I visited Aunt Linda in Ridgecrest. It was a hot afternoon and only she and I were in the car driving. Every stoplight that we came to Linda would do a magic trick. After what seemed like forever, she would count down, always starting with five.  When after she said “one”, the light would turn green.  It was magic. I can honestly admit that it remained magic until I began driving on my own. As I sat there agitated with every red light, I realized that she only watched the opposing traffic light and began counting when it turned yellow. Today I still count down from five. I will not say that this taught me patience or did it teach me to slow down and wait. What it did was teach me to be observant and look ahead. To accept that waiting and patience is necessary in order to see what is next.

During high school, Aunt Linda came out for a visit. She and I had an afternoon together in which we spoke of all things inappropriate, funny, and insightful.  From one of my mother’s last few emails, many of you know of the difficulty I faced and still struggle with daily regarding bi-polar. I spoke to Linda of my anger and distrust. Explained every grudge and unforgiving malice I had towards those who had hurt me. She understood and agreed that what I felt was real. But she became very frank. Her tone lowered and her smile was gone. She leaned over and said to me, “Let it go. There is only so much energy and life to give in the world. Don’t waste it on negativity, anger, or on those who don’t deserve a single piece of your emotions. If you want to feel something, feel love. And by that you need to let go of all the mistakes and pain it has caused you. Otherwise you will be bitter and never able to love” I dismissed this with a teenage response of “whatever”. But I heard her and understood that my road to recovery did not start with others giving me a free pass every time I went into manic mode. It started with me. I needed to forgive, forget, and let go of all mistakes, grudges, and pain. If I did not hold onto the negative there would be nothing for me to slip into a depression over. The next few years following I made this effort. Linda continued to send me articles and books that could help and remind me that I am not alone. I learned how to observe my surroundings and peoples reaction to know when I might be slipping away. Today, I count down from five before ever reacting.  As social media became prominent, Aunt Linda continued to check in. In her own times of struggle she would ask how I would cope. There were moments when I did not have the words as I found my way to happiness and finally was able to let it go. So I simply would remind her of what she told me.

We look at pictures, pack away broken hairdryers or never use the cereal bowl.  We place the memory of a person in an object. But I look in the mirror and I see someone who has triumphed over her own obstacles. Who has once felt only anger and was taught how to let it go. I look in the mirror and I see the memory of Aunt Linda.  Aunt Linda described my Aunt Maree of being my mother’s “doppelganger”. This is what is known as a ghostly impression of someone.  Aunt Linda loved deeply and was extremely smart. She was awkward and often inappropriate. Which I’m sure we are all awkward at times and even more so, inappropriate.  I have a pocket full of moments just between Aunt Maree and I and few more pockets for everyone else. We all love Aunt Linda, that’s why we grieve. We all love each other and that is why we are here.  Look in the mirror, feel the love that surrounds you, even if it’s hidden in awkwardness and know that we are all a doppelganger of each other. You can always find and hold on to the memory and love you had for Linda within yourself.   

Bob’s Eulogy for his friend Linda

Za tee bya Lin, (to you Lin)

History

I met Linda 24 years ago in Ridgecrest, CA, and after a one- year, whirlwind romance we moved in together.  Within 2 months, later cancer was detected and she spent the next 3 years in surgery, treatment and recovery.  While at her most vulnerable time, it was with the support of her Mom, sisters, and extended family of friends/coworkers that helped her beat the cancer, and for 23 years, she continued to work and provide a home of their own for us, Robbie and Erin.  Linda’s career advancement took her to Dayton and mine to Washington, DC where we attempted a long distance relationship for a few years. Dayton provided a safe but expanded environment for teenagers which allowed them to grow up and find themselves and what they wanted in life. In 2000 Linda and I parted but kept touch, periodically letters, pictures of kids, etc… In 2007 we renewed and then strengthened our friendship when she moved to Northern Virginia a few years later.

Linda and I had lots of wonderful moments, dinners, and trips over the years, including an incredible trip to Italy in 2010.  Linda had a bigger than life personality, incredible passion and was the most amazing person I know. She had personal fascination with comedy – (SNL, Letterman, Improv, satire, live comedy, etc...) which we shared.  Linda loved to use comedy as a way to introduce herself to others and to find a way to draw a smile, a giggle, belly laugh or a groan.  To honor her memory and provide some personal perspective of the Linda I knew and what she loved, I present:

Top 10 List of Professions/Careers where Linda Missed Her Calling:

Linda had amazingly broad interests, intelligence, artistic capabilities and endearing personal virtues and eccentricity.  We talked often of careers that she would have loved to explore or jobs where her personality or quirks would fit in.

10. Process Improvement Engineer:

-          Linda loved to organize her work, her family and her life (and me).  She spent hours making lists, creating process flowcharts or a new form to organize information, gather her thoughts and to communicate to and with others.

-          Linda was the most observant and detailed minded person using critical thinking, her ability to absorb information and team building skills all with an artistic/fun flair.   

-          In the Navy I am considered a green Belt (novice) in process improvement – Linda was an expert - Black Belt

9. Waiting Line / Seating Organizer or Bouncer:

-          Linda’s major pet peeve was standing in long lines or long waits for a seat.

-          Linda was without fear to reorganize seating/strangers at a movie, restaurants, or at a bar to open up a good seat or make room for her party and friends.

8. Rule Breaker, Challenge the System: 

-          Linda loved to challenge conventional thinking, bend the rules that made no sense and find the weakness in one’s rules or arguments.  Examples:

-          Sneaking in candy, snacks or soda at the movies for us or the kids.

-          Covertly sneaking a prohibited picture of Sistine Chapel Ceiling while avoiding the Swiss guard from seeing her and confiscating her camera.

7. Historian:

-          Linda had an incredible memory of past events, dates, or times, an impressive comprehension of anything she read and a Fascination with Time Travel.

-          Avid Writer with Love of Books, and a new love of Photography.

-          A Collector of memorabilia, lover of antiques/family mementos, close to being a packrat and needing an intervention.

6. Baby Distractor Inventor:

-          One would often find Linda doting over babies and toddlers, helping out a mother in need of a break.  Linda would often interrupt a conversation to play peek-a-boo or make faces with a child across the room that was mesmerized by her antics or by a quick drawing for the child to color.

-          Linda had generated a number of ideas to train and fascinate/distract small kids over the years and had looked into iPod/iPhone Applications development for kids and contracts for dummies.

5. Masters Research Assistant:

-          Linda had a continuous love of learning and teaching and wanted to someday get a position as graduate level researcher with a Masters Degree. She wanted to expand knowledge in a new field or special expertise at a university or in industry and work for a leader in that field. 

-          Before Google and the internet and except for math, Linda excelled at gathering, compiling, organizing and understanding information. Linda was capable of absorbing and dissecting a large volume of information and had great skill in communicating her findings, observations and recommendation.

-          Linda was proud to overcome a fear of math to pass her classes for her Bachelors degree.

4. Interpreter and Linguist:

-          Linda was a trainer of acquisition reform, contracting officer representatives and requirements definition for USN and DOE/EPA.  Linda loved language and finding ways to be more articulate and precise in oral and written communications and loved to exploit the duplicity of the English language.   Linda was an executive consultant for several small companies seeking advice on how to understand and write proposals to USG contracts.

-          Linda enjoyed finding creative ways to convey information to managers and engineers, to include the use of humor to peak the interest or wake up her classes.  I was her pupil and guinea pig and she helped me write better requirements for my job. Linda often quipped that she was a English/Grammar Teacher for Engineers.

-          Linda learned Russian language as at the DoD language school in Monterey and loved using foreign languages to meet new people, stimulate her understanding of new cultures and customs.  Her fascination with English and Russian culture influenced her interest in tradition of holding a wake and toast for the departed.

3. Wal Mart Greeter / Hostess: 

-          Linda would often joke about being a greeter at Walmart after she retired.

-          Linda’s ability to meet / reach out and disarm new people was extraordinary.

-          Linda loved to arrange/coordinate parties, including formal dinners, arranging games, ensure all visitors are having a good time and are engaged.  Linda was first to volunteer for any good cause or tribute for a coworker and friend.

2. Travel /Event Planner:

-          Linda’s love of planning extended to vacations and trips we made around the country and to Italy.  Linda would plan each day down to the last detail, where I would frustrate her with my lack of formal plans.  Linda had to learn to relax and go with the flow during our trips.   Oddly enough most of the time our two approaches meshed well.   In Italy we split our trip to 7 days each where we could drive major events, dinners and schedules.  My first day in charge in Italy we drove through Tuscany and I randomly picked the first vineyard where we had a tasting.  The wine we liked best ended up being called “Laura” to our surprise.  I was a hero for the rest of the trip.

-          Linda loved to plan, organize, lead large events and wanted to combine her love of travel, large parties and event planning as a future consulting business.  Linda must have been born with a special gene for event planning.  That gene was also incredibly past down to the sisters.

-          Thanks to Laura, Maree and Amy for last 5 weeks of support and a successful tribute to Linda.

1. Best Friend:

-          Consider yourself lucky if Linda called you a Friend.  Linda would do anything to help friends in need. She knew your likes/dislikes, hobbies, interests, distant family names. Any kindness would be returned with your favorite foods, special jokes, an unplanned gift tailored to your needs.  

-          Linda was on an emotional roller coaster at times - but it was the quiet, unguarded, vulnerable, passionate, sensitive Linda I loved.

-          Lin, I am sorry we did not have enough time to fully show you how much we love you. May you live on in the hearts of those you've left behind!

Laura’s Eulogy for her sister Linda

Those Mitchell girls.  Which one are you in the line-up?  I will always say “the oldest of 5 girls”, no brothers, and respond to their usual surprise – your poor parents.  Your poor dad.  J  With only 7 years between the youngest Maree and me  – my poor mom!

Linda and I had a unique relationship – often mistaken for actual twins.  She skipped 2^nd grade or as I call it, crayons 101 and was in 3^rd grade on with me.  I have explained my entire life that I did not flunk a grade.  We were only 11 ½ months apart and celebrated our birthdays just this past Thursday to once again be the same age.  I always welcomed her to the new realities awaiting her and then she called me on my birthday to call me an old hag. 

We caused grief to teachers in high school, switching classes one session of summer school to take each other’s tests.  Took awhile but finally one of the teachers caught wind of it and we both had to retake our own tests.  We of course passed, but I think we were actually fancying ourselves after our favorite show – the Patty Duke show where she and her cousin Cathy were constantly switching places.

I’ve had to opportunity to always be the oldest sister and all that entails.  I had the opportunity to be her coach and help deliver her son Robbie.  She asked me to kiss her truly when she went in for her mastectomy over 20 years ago.  I had the task of taking her to chemo, watching the process, getting pulled over for a ticket for tinted windows, when I was probably speeding, and her talking the cop out of giving me a ticket from the passenger seat.  Advise, an open ear, an argument and all ending with and “I love you” was our ritual.

Linda and Robbie lived next to Roc and I in a crappy apartment in West Covina.  We had some escapades there as well, but mostly getting an opportunity to watch Robbie, deciding it was ok that I wait awhile to have children and not knowing how she did it all as a single parent.  I was pretty impressed.

Linda has always been uber smart.  Smart in her retention of information, her use of words, the English and Russian language and when asked a simple question, her answer would usually send us running for the dictionary.  I mean, who talks like that?  She once sent Maree and I her job description via email.  I must have read that thing a hundred times.  Couldn’t look up the words because they were military based.  I called Maree and asked – do you have any idea what she does?  We both just laughed and said not a clue.   She loved TV – boy did she love TV, the movies, reading, learning – obtaining her degree late in life and was taking classes for her masters.  She was an ordained minister, you know, just in case someone needed her quickly.  She read the newspaper daily and loved to write.

During the last several weeks we had the unpleasant task of packing up Linda’s belongings.  I remember going to the hospital and talking to her (she was a captive audience) and laughing at all the million great ideas she had to make gifts/projects and unique ideas.  She loved to enter the Washington Post annual “Peep Show” contest.  This is where you use those marshmallow goodness bunnies and create a diorama of them in some sort of situation.  She did the final dance scene from “Dirty Dancing”.  She even ripped a Ken dolls arms off his body, which she said was no small task, and used them to catch BABY as she jumped off the stage.  Hilarious.  I found some makings for dolls that looked like she may have started out ok but they were going in the direction of CHUCKIE and she had ditched the project.  Boxes of blankets sewn and crocheted for Soldiers Angels gently tied with ribbon ready to ship afar.  Baby blankets for our new nephew and future babies anticipated.  Quilts.  Trust me, it would take someone a hundred lifetimes to use all the fabric she has.  Beautiful ¼ yards of artwork only she knew she would do with them.  I shipped it all home and am hoping I can have her vision.

Beading.  Sewing.  Scrapbooking – which is hilarious because she never came forward when we were all doing my mom’s big birthday book in August.  Then when I’m packing I find probably everything I had bought and more.  I swore I’d never do another scrap book – hated every minute of it.  Cutting, gluing, arranging.  Ironic – the pictures on the boards needed something extra and here we go again – cutting, gluing, and arranging with the rest of the paper, Linda would have loved that.

Linda had a heart and good intentions as large as the universe.  Often not in the manner you would expect and most often had wounded feelings that her delivery overshadowed the actual item.  She struggled with acceptance and had no idea how much she was truly, very truly loved and appreciated. 

We have made copies of her much requested cookbook.  Memories of Christmas mornings, Octoberfest traditional Sauerbraten, Dutch Babies , sauces, hints for cooking and a poem I found she’d written which is sad, real and revealing called Recipe for Life.  I included it in the recipe cards.  The original is now Robbie and Sara’s as they embark on their new life together. We actually have a PDF if you’d like it – let me know and I’ll email it to you- it’s worth every bite. 

I will miss Linda.  She was always so proud of her sisters.  Paraded us around when we visited, bragged of our accomplishments, sent us gifts from all her travels always thinking what would be special.  We would argue, make up, share opinions, be silent when we disagreed, conspired in childhood and inspired as adults.  It never occurred to me that I would lose a sister.  I don’t like it.  I’m having trouble accepting it and frankly I keep thinking its just some very bad dream that keeps me from sleeping and replaying this past month.    Those last few days in the hospital she had subconscious tears as I spoke to her and played with her hair. She was relaxed, peaceful and I believe comforted.     I am grateful to all of you who received our intense daily updates, offered words of comfort and prayer.  When I left I held her hand and kissed her hard, again, truly and for the last time.  My Irish Twin will be remembered and cherished forever

Erin, Linda’s daughter, also spoke impromptu and from her heart.

I am not prepared for this moment.  Although I was blessed with the articulate nature that my mom had, I don’t have it at this moment.  I did want to say that I love my mother; I know that we love her very much, and she will be missed.  My mother marched to the beat of her own drum and she always told me to do the same.  I’ve had struggles in my life and my mother was always proud of me, regardless.  She gave me unconditional love.  She sacrificed everything in her life for my brother and I to raise us the best that she could.  And she was a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful woman.  And I love her very much.  I will miss her. 

Cindy’s Eulogy for her cousin Linda

I wasn’t going to come up here because I didn’t think I could talk.  And I couldn’t figure out what it was, and I couldn’t figure out what I would say. . . because most of what I would say, I want to say to her. 

Even my daughters. . . who had just little snippits of her. . . are broken at the loss.  She made me feel like I was the most important, loved, special person.  She just made me feel so great. And now I realize that she did that everywhere she went.  She did that with everybody.  So. . . maybe, I’m not quite so special.  J But it shows how special she was. 

She and I had a very deep relationship, and I saw her as a friend.  And I called her on the way home from work. . . because I had a half an hour J.  I really miss her, and she was my link to California.  So when she died, and I was feeling that pain, I reached out—to make sure they were okay.

It takes my breath away.  I want to get to know people better.  I want to know things about other people that you all knew about Linda.  It’s not like we had this big, deep understanding.  It was just out little relationship.  There was so much to her. 

I’ve learned so much from my “homework assignments” (said with a smile and a sideways glance to Laura—referring to her e-mailed updates during Linda’s illness).  And I was starting to throw stuff away at home—pitching it out so that, maybe if something unexpected happened, that someone wouldn’t have to do all that.  But in listening to the stories, there are little pieces that we like to hold onto of each other that other people will appreciate that we held onto about them.  So I have the crocheted blankets.  I have the leftover things at my house.  (Looking at Robbie):  Yes, I will send you the camera lense.) A wire wisk.  But it’s like silly stuff—you’re just holding onto those things. 

So I’m going to do my homework; I’m going to ask you to do your “homework” too.  To go out and learn more about people, and learn how to love them best, exactly how they are. 

Obituary for Linda Mitchell

Linda Mitchell (formerly Watkins), born 01/17/59 in Sacramento, CA, died at 53 of acute respiratory failure on 12/24/12 in Woodbridge, VA.  Raised in Hacienda Heights, CA, Linda graduated from Glen A. Wilson H.S., class of 1976.  At 17, she joined the U.S.A.F. and was trained as a Russian interpreter at the Monterey Language Institute in CA. She served during the Cold War years at the former Chicksands AFB in England.  Linda became a gov’t contracts specialist at the NWAS China Lake, Ridgecrest, CA. She later became a Project Mgr for the U.S. Dept. of Energy (1994-2007) specializing in the decommissioning of nuclear facilities at the Mound in Miamisburg, OH and Richland, WA. Linda received her B.S. in Mgmt from Park Univ. and became a Sr. Consultant & Trainer/Coach for: Integrated Federal Solutions, ASI Government and Management Concepts located in the D.C. area.  Linda was a 20+ year survivor of breast cancer.  She enjoyed making crafts, sewing, seeing the irony in situations, and giving her time and thoughtful gifts to others.  She is survived by her mother, Beverly Mitchell, her children, Robert Mitchell and Erin Watkins, her 4 sisters, Laura Caldarone, Amy Mitchell, Meg Mitchell and Maree Mitchell, her nieces and nephews (Adam, Alexis and Devin), her many closely-regarded East Coast aunt/cousins (Ellen, Debbie, Betsy, Cindy, John, Christy, Beverly, Robin, Matt and Julie) and her long-time friend, Bob.  She was loved and will be missed.  Please rsvp to Laura Caldarone at: clolago@msn.com.  In lieu of flowers, please send donations to either one of Linda’s favorite charities:  (1) support our veterans at http://soldiersangels.org/donate.html or to the medical center that took such awesome care of her (2) Sentara Health Foundation at http://www.sentara.com/AboutSentara/Foundation/Pages/Foundation.aspx .

Linda’s memorial video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnqIwi7tTCY&feature=youtu.be

Celebrating a Life In Memory of Linda Mitchell (January 17, 1959 – December 24, 2012)

THIS IS YOUR LIFE The very finest chapter of a person’s autobiography is composed of little things-- The nameless deeds of kindness, The small unnoticed favors, The silent prayers for friends, The whispered words that heal, The unseen, helping hand, The secret acts of mercy .     The unrehearsed compliments, The gifts without a name. However, those kinds of persons Seldom write autobiographies. But in the book of Life, That good chapter about you Has been written with love On the pages of my memory And the walls of my heart By Perry Tanksley (1984)

Ephesians 3:14-20                                                                               To Linda. . .You Have Run a Special Race You laughed and shared and loved, and created a life from all that brings. Satirical commentary with a biting wit,            you explored the irony in things.                          Your intellect made you different;                    in your career, you left others astounded.        You approached problems with such clarity,    it often left your colleagues confounded.      You advocated for others,                                 and comforted those in need;                           acknowledging that life is sometimes hard,     and there are hurts that don’t always bleed.       You carefully chose gifts                                    for those you cared about,                                to let them know they were not alone,             and touched others by reaching out.              As ironic as it is,                                                 receiving love was not your forte.                     You were guarded before you ever let             your inner child come out to play.                       But rest in peace, my dear Linda                      for you have run a special race.                        You will never be forgotten;                              in our hearts, you hold a special place.          With love, by Amy Mitchell (2013)